Short Strolls in Faith

1. All the Wasted Time
Rick Saltzer

“So I guess I’m dying, huh?” she asked me with a tone of exhausted resignation. Boom! There it was—the question we had successfully avoided all day. My dad and brother had long been asleep upstairs, and it was well past 2:00 a.m. Now that we were alone and the house was completely quiet save for the ominous clicking of the oxygen machine, my mother apparently felt it was time to address the dreaded subject.
I, however, was not ready. Her frank query had caught me with my guard down; one minute, I was relaxed and reading the Bible to her, and the next, she had me pinned with the bluntest question imaginable.
Like a naughty child caught in a lie, I swallowed hard and quickly looked away. My mind raced for something soothing but substantial to say. The matter-of-fact manner in which Mom had asked the question unnerved me. It was as if she had been merely watching us and waiting for someone to have the guts to tell her what she already knew.
With much effort, I made myself look over at her on the bed, and I managed to mumble something rambling and stupid about the universal nature of death.
She said nothing; she was patiently waiting for her son to cease the pseudo-philosophy and answer her question. Her expression almost appeared to be one of pity for me in my obvious discomfort rather than concern for herself and my response. When I had gathered my thoughts and was able to spit out what the oncologist had told us earlier that morning, she remained silent, but her face took on a remarkable look of relief and serenity. Seemingly satisfied by hearing the truth, she calmly leaned back on her pillow and asked me to continue reading to her from John.
After several minutes, I glanced up and saw that she was paying virtually no attention to me. I read on until I noticed that her eyes were darting rapidly and intently around the walls of the living room where we had set up her bed. It took me a while to figure out that she was actually studying the family photographs that lined the tables and walls surrounding her.
Worried about this sudden change in her demeanor, I tried to interrupt her manic state by asking what she was thinking. Little did I know, at that point, the impact that her reply would have on my life.
Without looking at me and continuing to gaze at the familiar faces, she sighed and said, almost offhandedly, “All the wasted time…all the wasted time, and none of it even mattered.”
That brief exchange turned out to be the last bit of lucid dialogue I ever had with Mom. She faded in and out of consciousness for the next three weeks or so, and died early on a hot June morning with her three guys by her side, amidst a roomful of her best memories. She had accepted Christ as her Savior a few years prior to her illness, and she was prepared and ready to move on to be with Him. All she had needed to finally let go was a confirmation that her physical fight was over and a last chance to visually drink in the most significant images of her life.
However, Mom’s unabashed deathbed observation never left me. The truth that she realized and shared with me in her last moments has served as the rock of wisdom around which I have attempted to live my life ever since. Though spoken indirectly, my mother’s final advice to not waste time was the best gift she ever could have given me. I was taught my most valuable life lesson by a loved one facing impending death. Now it would be incumbent upon me to live my own life so as not to have similar regrets when God called me home.
Most Christian believers are familiar with the Bible verses that exhort us to make good use of our time: Ephesians 5:15–17; Matthew 6:19–34/Luke 12:22–34; Luke 19:11–27; Matthew 22:36–40; and Ecclesiastes 12:8–14, for example. We study and discuss these fundamental teachings in church and Sunday school our entire Christian lives. But how often and with what degree of regularity do we apply these truths in day-to-day living?
Here are some of the questions I was forced to ask myself after that long night with my mom:
• Did I know what was truly important in life? Did I know what was temporal versus eternal?
• Did I know what truly mattered in terms of eternity? Did I truly love others?
• Did I expend too much time fretting over things and events rather than using my time to serve others?
• Did I spend too much time on amusement/entertainment? Did I find myself “killing time?”
• Did I complicate my life unnecessarily with meaningless distractions?
In a nutshell, would I discipline myself to use the time that God had given me in a manner more pleasing to Him? Would I use my time more wisely so that I’d never have to reflect bitterly upon “all the wasted time” when my life was ending? Would I use her view of the past to alter my future?
Yes, I decided. I will.
And that decision to reset my priorities and redirect my time changed my life forever.
Thanks, Mom.