IN HIS GRIP … a Walk through Breast Cancer
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Day 32 - No other news to report, other than it is AMAZING to me how many wonderful people I get to talk to. I would normally not be really talkative but God has given me such a good attitude right now and people want to know all about this journey, and I am LOVING telling them. God just wants me to make him famous. It is so cool to get to do it, if you just listen to Him and let him do HIS THING!!!
Day 38 - Another rough day in the neighborhood. I've decided I would rather not go through all this after all. Not sure who I talk to in order to back out. God is still holding me just fine but I prefer he just put me down for now and let me get back to normal.
Day 52 - Maybe God is trying to teach me about the need I have to get my own way. I had decided I would shave my hair AFTER a night out on the town. I did make time to get in the pool to tread water. This is when the crisis began that would throw me into a hissy fit. All was well UNTIL I tried to run my brush through the heavily conditioned locks that remained on my head. RATS NEST is the term that came to mind! Clumps were falling and the remainder was a huge knot. I guess dying hair and chlorine do not mix. Time for desperate measures as my kids looked on with concern. Not the scene I really wanted an audience for. They kindly left me to my own pity party. It is amazing how quickly people look at you then politely turn away when you have no hair! It just seems as though people feel sorry for you and really...that is the LAST thing I want people to feel. It gives me a new appreciation for what someone with disabilities might go through all their life. Mine is only temporary but hopefully life changing in how I treat others. Why so many tough lessons to learn in life?
Day 67 - Today is the first day since the diagnosis that I have really allowed FEAR to enter the picture. Today it has crept back in. I am not happy about that. After going through some very difficult things in life, {I now} picture a round table meeting taking place; different emotions and feelings gather for a "meeting of the minds" and I am the one controlling the meeting. I decide who can have a seat. Humility, sadness, courage…are welcome and so on...but when FEAR pulls up a chair, I say, "there is no room for you here." I have been good at doing this in many instances over the past few years, yet today the bully just grabbed a seat. Because I was in a funk this afternoon I decided to go to my gym. I had not been since I have been sporting the new hairdo. Not a good experience. Bald chick doing weights was all the wanna-be athletes seemed to see. (I'm being harsh but so what) Felt like crap. It was like, "You don't belong here, lady because we think you might be sick." I know I am reading into it but that is what the lack of eye contact felt like. I think I will stick to walks and treading water in our pool. I am fine, please don't think otherwise. I just want to document the journey, remember?! Just one of those days. This too shall pass. I just really don't feel like having "this" anymore. The happy ending is this: I have my faith. When I am in a good place or a dark place, I just talk to my Father. He knows my heart. He feels my pain. He listens and He will protect me and comfort me like no one else can. He will always wait to hear from you. He will never turn away from your call. Having this knowledge has made all of "this" more than bearable. My apologies if this entry is hard to follow. It was hard to write.
Day 85 - I am not looking for a response or note or anything. I am journaling the journey, the experience; the cancer walk that so very many have to experience. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't write because I don't want anyone thinking oddly about my emotions, yet I have headed down this path of honest and personal postings. I am finding myself wanting to not disappoint, I ask that you just read it like you don't know me or just don't read it. No pity is allowed. I am typing like this is a private diary. Leave it at that please. I am ready for this day to be done. I have had it with kids. Had it with the non-stop "to do" list which is totally my own doing. Had it with having to keep a hat on my head. Had it with all this. I am tired and tired of being tired. I have been a very grumpy mom this evening. Difficult wife I suppose as well; just ask Tom. He just smiles (sort of) and then nods his head or something of the sort. I notice he listens a lot more and talks less. I think he thinks it is safer that way. I hate being grumpy. Even Tess is ticking me off tonight. If it wasn't so late I think I would just go out back and scream my fool head off for a minute. By the way...God IS good, ALL the time. Regardless of what is written here. He NEVER said life would be easy or fair, but HE DID promise He will be right there to get us THROUGH this life if we ask, and will lift us up and carry us in our weakness, through HIS STRENGTH. We have to read His Book, pray earnestly, and believe in His grace. Some days we do that more so than others.
Day 114 - Last night Sara and I were swimming. The pool gate got left open. Sara and I realized Tess had left the party. We heard a bark from the cul-de-sac next to ours. I jumped in the truck to fetch her with just a bikini on and a towel around my waist. Forgot a hat. Pale skin, out of shape, small suit, bald woman...you get the picture. Not pretty. Anyway, there was Tess in someones yard staring straight up a tree barking. There was this woman in the road with a pit bull on a leash just watching her. I jump out of the truck, apologize for my bald head and outfit and start calling my dog. This woman just stares at me like I am a nut...some nerve! Tess comes running to me then she sees this dog. Not good. She bounds over toward said dog and the other dog bears its teeth. Tess attacks. The pit-bullish looking dog attacks. I scream. The lady is tangled in the leash. I scream and take the towel and start feverishly striking Tess with it and finally Tess retreats. I assume 5 neighbors are watching this whole thing in shock by now. I apologize profusely afterwards and this lady actually turns her head and body away from me and STORMS AWAY! I just stood there, bald and bikini laden and looked at Tess, she looked at me then we turned and got in the truck to go home. Some people just have no sense of humor. The dogs were fine. No blood, no harm, no foul. I just hope she doesn't know where we live. : ) Time for another walk. Day 116 - It was surreal. God has been so good, so faithful and such a great Father. I feel blessed beyond words. I have not felt this cared for or this guided in a long, long time. Pouring out my heart and soul for guidance and direction and then trusting that it will come...not in my time but in His…has all started to bear fruit and I am honored to be entrusted to do that with some amazing people. I will take this season for what it is and what He wants it to be. That is still yet to be uncovered but it is fun so far!
Day 143 - Had a meltdown last night. Pretty much on everyone. It is so hard to keep your cool all the time when you feel like hell. I think they understand that better than I do most of the time.
Day 171 - When I look in the mirror I do not really see the same person I used to see. In some ways, I do not recognize the refection looking back at me, yet over the past 6 months I've gotten to know her. I wonder if the old reflection will come back. I am not sure which I want. A blend of the best qualities would be ideal but I will leave that up to my Maker as He knows best.
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About the Book
Amy’s story is a most inspiring one to read for anyone going through life’s struggles - one that will give encouragement whatever one may be dealing with. First and foremost, this is an account of a “cancer journey;” a journal revealing an absolute faith that God is willing to walk the journey alongside of you, all the way! If you are reading this and you are someone setting out on, or already in the middle of, a similar journey, this is an important read for you! Amy’s story will certainly not hide any of the rough times; but it will tell you about many positive aspects as well, and how faith is the only way to make the trip. This book is not just for cancer sufferers, but also for anyone experiencing life’s many trials, whatever they may be.
Amy’s raw and emotive style tells it just like it is. You will feel the emotion; shed some tears and certainly draw many smiles. There is little more powerful than hearing this story told literally, while experiencing each and every aspect of the journey along with her. The power is in hearing God’s story, as told through Amy, and that’s just what this is.
You will be encouraged that it’s okay to have roller coaster emotions, to feel anger, to experience joy, to feel spiritually low and equally high; that it’s okay to ask “why me?” Amy is one amazing lady who turned what could have been a very negative experience - focusing on feeling sorry for herself - to one that focuses on making an impact on others. For example - Amy refused to wear a wig once she lost her hair so she would not miss opportunities to testify to others who would otherwise not have approached her.
Perhaps most compelling is how many people have told Amy that while they should have been supporting her in keeping a positive attitude, she was in fact being the inspiration for them. I know! I was one of those people! I pray for them every day and I know that they do the same for me. It is this, together with God, that will keep us all positive and moving forward, whatever the challenges of life that are thrown our way.
About the Author
Amy K. Hauser never considered herself destined to be an author. From her self-admitted “lifelong inability to properly start and stop paragraph formations, among other things,” to being busy raising two children full time, a book simply was not on the radar … until God said otherwise. Amy lives with her husband, Tom, and children, Ross and Sara, in The Woodlands, Texas.