Surviving the Shadow

THE PASSAGE INTO THE SHADOW

I know the exact moment when the shadow became so great, it blocked out any light. The shadow became so powerful at 3:55 a.m. on Wednesday, January 11, 2012. I was sitting on the side of my bed in a Tucson hotel having been awakened by the ringing of my cell phone. I answered and heard the words that are engraved on the tablets of my memories: “The doctor’s need you to come in. There has been a medical development.”
Six years earlier, my bride of nearly twenty years was diagnosed after seven months of medical confusion. The diagnosis was cardiomyopathy with congestive heart failure. Cardiomyopathy is a structural disease of the heart identified as an excessive development and size of the heart and damage to the heart muscle. The disease results in severe swelling (due to the hearts inability to remove excess fluid), difficulty breathing (because of the swelling), increased fatigue and other issues that limit mobility and activity.
During the first two years after her diagnosis, we engaged the “shadow of death” due to repeated hospital stays, the insertion of a pacemaker and outpatient procedures (too numerous to count).
The emotional and psychological toll was incredible. Being unprepared for the emotions present was a great challenge. In the early days, I wrestled with fear, anger, resentment (toward God and at times, even toward my wife), depression and guilt. I faced a spiritual struggle, trying to discern the will of God and his presence in the midst of the difficult circumstances.
During the six years preceding the dreaded phone call, we had come to terms with the ever present specter of death – the average life expectancy for someone with the advanced cardiomyopathy she had was only 6 years. The shadow was very real, becoming darker on days when her health and activity was not good. The shadow was lightened on days when she was better. But the shadow was always there.
And then the phone call came.
Daylene entered the hospital for a gastro-intestinal surgery. The purpose of the surgery was to aid in the losing of weight. Cardiomyopathy patients often have very little physical strength to lose weight and exercise to maintain health and Daylene was no different. Prior to surgery there were days and weeks she barely had enough energy to make it up and down the stairs of our two-story home. She needed surgical intervention if there was any hope of reducing her weight and lessening the strenuous impact upon her heart.
The surgery went well and all seemed to be well until her heart began to race. She was transferred to the I.C.U. During the night, her kidneys began to shut down and her blood pressure fell to very dangerous levels. She had a cardiac arrest and her heart stopped. She was down for nearly 15 minutes, enduring chest compressions and emergency procedures to get her body and heart to start again.
When the doctor’s called me in, they were unsure of what caused the problems she experience. At the time, the “shadow” grew very dark because she may have had a pulmonary embolism (a blood clot to the lung); she was experiencing kidney failure. There may have been some internal bleeding (that had been missed); she had been placed on a ventilator for breathing.
When I spoke to the doctor, in the early hours of that long, long day, neither of us knew quite what to say. He was surprised that she was reacting in the way that she was and was at a loss to explain what had happened. All I knew is that the shadow visited her hospital room during the night.
For the next month, the shadow’s reach was profound. Daylene remained in I.C.U. for 23 days and was ultimately released to a rehabilitation center. She was placed on dialysis which continued for nearly two and a half weeks. The respirator was in place for nine days. During those weeks, I felt the cold fingers of death upon my heart as I looked upon the face of my life-love.

FEELINGS IN THE SHADOW

As a pastor, I have had a number of occasions where I had been by the bedside of a beloved family member and godly Christian woman (or man). But when the shadow came close to home, the feelings were overwhelming. While intellectually knowing that these feelings are present for those going through crises such as this, I was completely unprepared.
One of my favorite places to go is the ocean – sitting on the beach. I love watching the waves come in and wash up on the shore and then slowly recede back to the ocean where they came from. As I sat by the side of my wife, I was stunned at the emotional tidal waves that were washing over me. And unlike the oceans waves, the emotions didn’t seem to recede. They seemed ever present. These are just glimpses into the emotions I felt in the shadow.