Quest for your Empowered Self

Strategy 8.1:
Improve your relationships by clearing inner obstacles for assertive communication purposes. Learn what to avoid and what to look for in love and romantic relationships.

QUOTE: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"…Eleanor Roosevelt.

Clear Inner Obstacles by Assessing Yourself and the Situation Before Asserting

Two of the most common inner obstacles and reasons why we don't assert our selves as
often as we should is because one, we fear that we will hurt the other person's feelings, and two, we fear that we won't get the approval from that person if we upset him/her in some way. Therefore, we play it safe and either don't say anything or we have a funny way of going around the problem, which never addresses it. The approval we need is, unfortunately, tied up with our self-worth. We say to our selves, “If he is upset with me and ends up not liking me, then I'll feel bad about myself.”
As adults we need to practice getting approval from ourselves and go on a fast (like not eating) from others’ approval. If we assert ourselves, firmly, kindly, and with patience, then the other person will probably respect you more whether agreeing with you or not. That's all you could ever ask for. And if the person doesn’t, then the person may be the one that has the personal problem; it shouldn't be your worry. You might even think that person is your best friend. However, if the person is only your friend when getting their way, this person doesn’t respect a good number of your needs and probably shouldn't be a best friend!!
After assessing yourself, assess the situation. Many situations in which there is a conflict can be loaded with dreadful conditions. Hence, with difficult personalities, we fear revenge or a major conflict as a result of our being assertive. Fear is not a red light! It's a yellow light telling us to adjust our approach, proceed slowly, and be cautious. Two techniques will help. One, assume this person will understand your point of view before you start talking. This will put you at ease and will help him/her to be at ease. Two, give the person an out! Follow this process:
A. During a conflict, or after you assert yourself, if that person is upset, fake retreat by backing down a tad and this will put him/her off guard. You can say something like, “yet, I can see your point too,”
B. Then, verbalize your assertive statement directly, yet tactfully.
C. Give the person an honorable surrender/out so he/she doesn’t feel a blow his other pride or ego.

The Three-Step Assertion Punch
Before confronting somebody about a conflict, another common fear that arises is the fear of making mistakes, like distorting our message or forgetting the most important parts of our message. Three points, if practiced, will solve this problem. One, when you speak from your “heart” as opposed to your head, you will come off more sincere and genuine. People will appreciate that in you, and they will probably not feel like you're trying to get something from them. Two, practice, practice, practice to eliminate most jitters before you assert yourself because you will feel ready and clear about your message. Practice with a friend, spouse, or anyone you feel safe with. Role-play so you can get into the state of mind, like a practice test in school. Three, before you assert yourself, ask yourself these questions:
A. What is the worst that could happen? We usually exaggerate to a worst-case scenario but that rarely happens.
B. What is likely to happen? The answer to that question is what usually does happen.
C. Is what you're asking for, reasonable? If not, you can change your statement to reflect fairness and respect of yourself and others. Whenever you risk something, be prepared beforehand to be criticized and second-guessed by others even though you can still assume they will understand you. Negativity may come from your colleagues, friends, family, spouse, etc., but don't let it stop you. Make sure you are asserting for the right reason. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this to get approval from someone else?” The best motivation is an inner force. Once you can let go of the approval, it's amazing how that frees you up to be yourself.

Do You Know If You’re Really “In Love?”

In the book “Are you the one for me?” by Barbara DeAngelis, she outlines things to look for in a relationship and what to “stay away” from. She is a psychologist who has counseled thousands of people in love relationships. Below are some ideas about love and ways she helps people determine who is right and who is wrong for each of her clients.
What were your beliefs about romantic love in the past? Circle Mostly True or Mostly False
1. If it is really true love, I will only feel complete and whole when I’m with my partner? Mostly
True or Mostly False
2. The right relationship will always be interesting and exciting. Mostly True or Mostly False
3. If it’s really true love, I would know the moment I see the person for the first time. Mostly True or
Mostly False
4. If my partner and I love each other enough, it’s unlikely none of our problems or personality
differences will threaten our relationship and break us up. Mostly True or Mostly False
5. If I am finally with the right person, I shouldn’t be attracted to someone else, because I will be so in
love. Mostly True or Mostly False
6. If I am in the right relationship, we won’t have to work that hard to make it work. Mostly True or
Mostly False
7. If I am in love, I’ll feel excited and nervous each time I see my partner. Mostly True or Mostly False