Thanks for The Dance: Transforming Grief into Gratitude when Your Spouse Dies
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The condolence flowers are all gone. The neighbors aren't bringing meals any more. Friends have gone back to living their own lives. I feel like I am treading water to stay afloat alone in a deep, dark sea of despair, the waves of loneliness crash over me. I am afraid I will sink and be lost forever. I want to climb into the bed we shared, pull the covers up over my head and make this all go away. Please God, show me the magic way to escape this nightmare! A well meaning friend tries to comfort me with "I know just how you feel." I want to scream back "oh no you don't," but bite my tongue.
Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness.
Psalm 30:9-10 (NLT)
A family member asks how I feel. I search for the right word; numb, lonely, devastated, hopeless, angry, afraid.... I mumble something, I don't remember what, in listless response.
I try to keep my waking hours filled with frenetic activity so I don't have to face the reality of where I am and what's happened to my life. The nights are worse as I fitfully try to find sleep; I can't escape the reality that the love of my life is gone and I, alone, must figure out how to make it through the darkness of the night and the day ahead. In desperation I fantasize that I will wake up and be able to go where I really want to go - back to the way it was.
Every now and then I feel like maybe my life is returning to normalcy when I am blindsided by a sight or a sound or a favorite song that drops me to my knees with the reality of what I have lost and floods my day with inconsolable grief. My grief keeps taking control of my life The road I'm traveling seems to be filled with potholes that keep jarring me as I try valiantly to move forward with my life. I ask God "will this sadness and suffering never end?" Help me! Please!
Sound Familiar?
We've both been there.
No, you are not going crazy - you are where we were and where a lot of other people are this very moment. When our spouses died we were wracked by so many different emotions and our lives were filled with trying to figure out how to make it through this nightmare.
The reality is that there is probably no greater source of anguish than losing your spouse and no greater contributor to stress in one's life.
The Bad News:
There is no easy, one size fits all answer that will quickly make it all better.
The Good News:
There is a pathway you can follow that will take you through this nightmare and to a place where you can live life again.
The Answer:
You need to get on this pathway. This book offers our best advice to help you define your own approach that will get you through.
The Best News: We made it through. So Can You.
By intent this book is heavily autobiographical. We are not professionals at dealing with loss and grief, but merely experienced at it. We want to share the pathway we followed by relating how we coped with what you are now facing.
We hope that reflecting on our journey will help you find a pathway that takes you where you need to go. Our life stories are unique to us and are not a formula or prescription for everyone else.
This book is about first dealing with your loss and then rebuilding your life. Nothing will make the pain of losing your spouse magically go away. This book is about a pathway to reduce the suffering that goes with the pain of loss.
"Pain is Inevitable. Suffering is Optional"
Buddhist Proverb
We both lost our spouses after over a quarter century of marriage. We met each other in grief support counseling at Hospice of Dayton’s Pathways of Hope. We have been married for seven years now and are happier than we ever thought we could be again. We reflect almost daily on how blessed our lives have been and still are. We talk about our late spouses; they are a part of who we are and, in loving each other, we must cherish how each of us came to be who we are today. We reflect often on the pathways our lives have taken; we are thankful for the dance we shared with our late spouses and that we share with each other today. We do indeed cherish yesterday, dream tomorrow and live today.
Are our lives like they were before? No – and they never will be again. They have irrevocably changed and accepting that fact made all the difference.
The title of this book is drawn from a Garth Brooks song (written by Tony Arata), “The Dance.” The core philosophy of that song and our pathway is simple – the only way to avoid the pain you now feel is to have missed the dance. Accept the pain and be grateful for the dance you shared. Transforming your grief into gratitude will lead you to the rebuilding pathway and reduce your suffering.
We wish you success in navigating your way through this nightmare that you are experiencing, to experience healing. A critical step in healing is recognizing that it doesn't undo the grief - it keeps the grief from controlling our lives.
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About the Book
Your spouse’s death catapults you into a nightmare -likely the most stressful event of our life. You feel numb, loneliness overwhelms you, you feel adrift - desperate for something to hang onto. You want to pull the covers up over your head and make this all go away. The pain and suffering seem unbearable. You search for some magic answer or formula to make things “all better.”
Fred and Jeri are two ordinary folks who have both been there and found a pathway they hope will help you find your way too.
“Pain is Inevitable - Suffering is Optional” -Buddhist Proverb
Nothing will make the pain of this loss magically go away. You can reduce the suffering. Fred and Jeri offer numerous suggestions for dealing with the things we all experience, several unique exercises to help you figure out important feelings and emotions, and many inspirational quotations. They talk about things seen in no other book. They made it though this nightmare and so can you!
“I had no expectation of finding the book so engaging and so on point.”
—George Devine, widower
“Your book is a kind and generous action to help others during one of the hardest times in a life. Thanks for caring enough to share light when others are in the dark.” —Fred Dudding, widower
“Like a personal support group, helps through the pain of loss and charting a course for those who have loved and lost. An essential guide that offers hope and guidance to those who are grieving. A truly wonderful way to reframe the dark days of hopelessness that follow the death of a partner! And what a gift this roadmap to rebuilding a life this can be for the partner!”
—Judy Seifer, Ph.D. Professional Marital and Family Therapist
“Very Moving”—Toby Talbot, Best Selling Author
About the Author
Fred and Jeri Abrams both lost their spouses in 2004 after marriages of over 25 years. They met in Hospice Grief Support counseling and were married in 2005 at Hospice of Dayton (a real first for Hospice!).
Fred is a 69 year old retired Air Force officer (combat experienced fighter pilot and program manager) whose 33 year marriage to a pediatric RN resulted in a son and a daughter (one adopted and one natural) who are now married with children of their own. He now makes his living as a consultant and trainer in project management and leads a Rotary project to establish a sanctuary for AIDS orphans rescued from Africa’s most dangerous slum. He has a BA in mathematics and an MS in system management.
Jeri is a 57 year old pediatric RN whose 27 year marriage to an Air Force chaplain resulted in two sons, both now married. The oldest is in his final year of medical school and the youngest is an engineer. She works part time as a home health care nurse, serving medically challenged children who would otherwise be hospitalized. She is active with Fred in the Africa project as she shares a passion with Fred in helping vulnerable children. A major focus of her life since marrying Fred has been continuing to parent her two sons and help Fred dote on his grandkids.