Empty

Ten years of marriage left us in a routine that resulted in an emotionally isolated relationship. Although I was providing stability, as a husband, I felt that God had much more in mind for our relationship than we were experiencing. I longed for a deeper relationship with my wife, but I did not know where to begin. From the outside looking in, Kim and our children’s world was filled with good things. Did she need or want me more than her daily pursuits? I felt isolated and alone. Reflecting on our wedding day, standing at the altar, I was prepared to share the rest of my life together with my “Soul Mate”. We were both filled with excitement, wanting to build a new life together; leaving behind the lonely, unfulfilled single life. But now we were living in separate worlds. Over time we were both disappointed and hurt. We tried as two very flawed people to love one another. Instead of working through the conflict, we accepted that maintaining peace was better than facing our isolation. However, this prevented us from pursuing a deeper relationship. Our separate worlds were filled with what may have been good pursuits and seemed necessary, but ultimately robbed us of the time and energy to experience a Soul Mate relationship. I felt trapped, and started to wonder if this is what marriage was supposed to look like? Does God have an overall plan for us? If so, why were we just stumbling around? Should we settle on a marriage relationship that just scrapes by? Do we dare to believe that God could use our spouses to meet some of our deepest needs and struggles?

All the pressures of satisfying various expectations and obligations in our life robbed me of time with my wife. As a couple with young children, it seemed natural that the needs of our kids should be the number one priority. It was easy to accept the belief that investing time in our marriage relationship came only after all other obligations were met. However, this left me feeling hopeless, since it was rare that we felt that our daily obligations were met. The only time we seriously set aside for our relationship was Valentine’s Day and Anniversaries; hardly enough time for us to develop a deep emotional and spiritual bond. After examining what we were doing, I noticed that our family needs were divided up between my wife and I. Even when I was home, we were in separate worlds. Working during the week, errands and kids’ activities during the weekends took all of our time together, adding additional isolation to the relationship. I would wake up before her, and go to bed early while she and the kids continue their activities during the evening. Our schedules didn't allow much time to interact. The weekends were spent catching up on domestic needs preparing for the following week. How could we get everything done and still have time for each other! The desire to have a growing and meaningful relationship with my wife seemed impossible.

The reality is, we have to leave this beautiful altar, and live out our marriages. It is not long before our competing interests begin to collide. We soon come to the realization, if we want to experience joy, it is going to take some work, trust, and forgiveness. When a couple accepts the reality that they are better off married than single, they must be willing to become interdependent and seek unity (oneness). How can two separate people experience a close marriage and resist the need to protect their self-interests? First, we must experience true love and acceptance in our lives. This is accomplished by first understanding God’s love for us. Therefore, when it comes to true selfless love in a marriage relationship, our Lord is the supreme example. He created each of us for a deep abiding relationship with Him based upon who He is (lover of our souls), and what He has done for us (restorer of our souls). When we respond to His love, we find peace with God, and enter a relationship where we experience His giving nature, secure love, and desire for us. As we will see, marriage is a reflection of the relationship between us and our Creator.

The problem is that we have a strong tendency to seek those things that promote our self-interest. Our hearts are wicked and deceived, fooling us into thinking that we are pleasing the Lord when we are not. Jeremiah 17:9 says that “the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” How do we discern if we are relying on ourselves or on God for our needs? Hebrews 4:12 says the “Word of God is living and active and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and of marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.“ God’s word can help discern the motives of our hearts.

We need to:
● Admit that we can never experience a loving marriage from self-generated love.
● Not to expect unconditional love from our spouses.
● Be willing to surrender all to pursue life according to His way.
● Trust that God alone will provide for all of our deep emotional love needs.
● Stop living a self-reliant, self-seeking life.

When we find confidence in God’s provision for all our needs, our natural response will be pouring out our life in service and love for Him.