Fifty Years to Say I Love You

I believe there are plenty of people who at some point in their life began asking themselves "Who am I?" At the point I literally began asking myself this question, I quickly realized I didn't really care to know what I had escaped from knowing for so many years.
Like many people, the awareness of damage that developed during my childhood had not become visible to me, until a time of instability in the later years of my life. This time of instability triggered old wounds from my past that for the first time would undergo a series of emotional surgeries due to the length and depth of my denial.
In my adults years events of crisis' began to consume my life and without warning triggered painful memories of things that stole a part of my childhood--taking control of me during my earlier years of life. As the details of my past got heavier and so did the weight of my anger.
Once the unlocked secrets from my past began to surface I also began to understand there was a common thread between the events of crisis' in my adult years and painful memories from my childhood. The anger that followed the two events severely interfered with relationships of those I held so dear--my husband, my children, even my relationship with God. It hit home that if something wasn't done I would likely lose complete self control in all my self anguish.
A some relief I have since discovered this denial had become my defense mechanism protecting me from the overwhelming anxiety that was too great for me to acknowledge and cope with in my earlier years. However, during my search for understanding. there were times I felt I could not possibly hold up under another ounce of heartache or distress.
There were times that I felt like giving up. There were even times that I felt God did not care enough about me to provide protection from these heavy details that continued to consume my marriage and my family.
It became clearer to me of the great losses if I did not fight for control of the life I was created to live out loud. I finally decided to stop giving into destructive vices and be more willing to listen to the Voice that desperately wanted me to hear these truths, "Be still and know that I am God".
All along God was teaching me to walk just a step behind Him and guiding me to the paths that would allow me to witness how He would use my pain as His gain! In this attempt I discovered a wall of boundaries surrounding me that would make my world small enough to hear His voice until little by little I felt safe enough to begin letting go of my bitterness and resentment that had been swelling up inside me all those years.
While removing my focus away from the details that once kept me stuck as a victim in the ruts of mud and mire, our great and awesome God lavished me in His protective shield of love that would take me through the smooth path of a victorious healing journey.
I am continually reminded that regardless of what I was handed in my previous years, God was there all along offering to me "Rock Solid" comfort and a positive future filled with enormous worth and value!
Each of us holds the ability to journey through rock solid passages that will lead to healing and recovery from destruction of past pain. Giving ourselves permission to take that journey is a huge step in breaking free from these repeated cycles of destructiveness that keep us in a false zone of comfort.
What the enemy intends for destruction - God will use for His good.
I have discovered that God will replace my pain with gain, and all the while reminding me to not perceive my past as denial of the unpleasantries in my childhood, but as a true reflection of His love and grace that wants to move us forward in His great plan!.
Grace has a way to turn an upside down life, inside out–-moving our hearts toward Him, resulting in deliverance.
I now find freedom to live my life out loud while reaching out to others who have suffered from trauma in their past. Helping others to see that there IS hope for change in their future, if willing to do the work, has become my life's purpose.....

"Pain turned into Gain"--