Culture V. Christ

Deleting Dating

Over the years I have studied a lot about relationships and dating. I have read a multitude of both Christian and secular books that were written specifically to address dating and courtships. Some had great biblical advice, and others not so much. I have also discipled and taught many young men about the seriousness of understanding biblically what relationships look like with the opposite sex.
I have found that the worldly way most individuals tailor a relationship with a member of the opposite sex is completely unacceptable in God’s eyes. Nonetheless, there are clear biblical standards for relationships that are outlined in the Word of God. There are many young men and women who go about this whole process, thinking there is no model and standard for their actions in a relationship when in reality there is a clear standard. The truth is that if you try to find the concept of dating in the Bible … well, that is just it. You will not find it.
We have to begin and end in Scripture. Like marriage, God also designed relationships, and there is a noble and righteous way to be in one. Starting from the gospel of Matthew, we read, “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12).
It is simple. Jesus commands us to do to others what we would have them do to us. I will address the men right now but know this applies to women as well. In regards to relationships (regardless of your age or stage in life), ask yourself this question, “How would I like other men to treat my future spouse right now?” Would you want them to play with her heart? Lust after her? Break physical boundaries? Take advantage of her? Disrespect her and her father? If you really want to follow Jesus in this area of your life, you will treat girls the way Jesus treated them (with the upmost love, respect, honor, purity, and nobility). Remember, we are all created in God’s image, and if you are born again and a follower of Jesus Christ, your body is literally a holy temple of the Lord (1 Corinthians 6:19–20). So how are you treating God’s temple?
Notice how verse 12 in Matthew 7 also says, “This is the Law.” You see, friends, it is black and white when you are dealing with sexual sin. When you lust (even in your mind or heart), you have already crossed that line. Jesus was very clear on this issue in Matthew 5:27–30. Do not let the Devil fool you into playing with fire. You will get burned every time you mess around with lust!
You may think, Well romantically holding hands or kissing someone before I am even engaged or just outside of marriage is not so bad. I can resist lust and not be tempted. This is so far from the truth. I have heard many godly men say (and I believe this wholeheartedly) that unless you are wiser than King Solomon, stronger than Samson, and more power than King David, you will struggle in this area, and you will fall if you start making compromises. All three of these men ended up committing adultery numerous times. Every person at some point will struggle in the area of lust. It is foolish to think you can make little concessions (holding hands, sitting on laps, kissing, etc.) and not lust!
The next verse I want to discuss is 1 Timothy 5:1–2, which says, “Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity.”
Thankfully a brother of mine walked me through this verse when I was courting my wife and showed me how there are only five groups or categories of people in your life—older men, younger men (and/or peers), older women, younger women, and finally your spouse. Scripture is very clear how you are supposed to treat everyone. For example, we are to treat our parents with honor (Ephesians 6:1–3) and our friends with complete devotion, love, and edification (Ephesians 4:29–32; Romans 12:10).
Paul was very straight forward is his letter to Timothy. If you are a man (or boy), you are commanded to treat every woman (or girl) like a sister unless she is your spouse. And if you are a woman (or girl), you are commanded to treat every man (or guy) like a brother unless he is your spouse. In other words, if you are a guy, the things you do or say or how you act with your sister (i.e., physical touch) should be the same with your girlfriend. For example, if you would not romantically kiss your sister (which would be weird), you should not romantically kiss your girlfriend. There is no distinction between a sister and a sister in the Lord. See the point?
Scripture places Christian men and women into two categories. Christian men are to be viewed and treated as either brothers in Christ or husbands if marriage is in place. Likewise, Christian women should always be viewed as either sisters in Christ or wives. The lie is, “If we are in a dating relationship, and are headed toward marriage, we can be emotionally and physically connected.”
I want to eagerly encourage guys who are in relationships that until you marry your girlfriend, you are to treat her like a sister. First Timothy 5 cannot be debated. You should always treat women and girls with absolute respect and purity. When we see women as sisters in the Lord (and men as brothers), it simplifies how we navigate the way we treat them.
Now we also have to look at God’s standard of purity. Society’s standard is this: You can look as long as you do not touch. This is a complete lie! God’s standard deals with the heart and lust (i.e., a sexually immoral desire). In Matthew 5:27–30, Jesus says that any form of lust (in your heart or with your eyes) is adultery. In other words, anything you think, say, or do that involves lust is committing adultery in your heart. God’s standard of purity should be our standard of purity. This means that even if you look at a girl or a guy and “undress him or her in your mind” or are sexually thinking, feeling, or desiring them, you have lusted in your heart and therefore committed adultery.
With that said, if you are in fact in a relationship or courtship and are headed toward marriage, I encourage young men and women to display appropriate acts of affection toward their significant other. How far is too far? Read through 1 Timothy 5:1-2 again and ask yourself this question, “How does a father show his daughter affection?” A father holds his daughter’s hand (unromantically), kisses her on the head, etc. A loving father is not satisfying some sexual desire—he is making sure his daughter knows that he cares for her. Can you see the difference? It is a fight for nobility and purity.