And Then, the Train Wrecked
a nonfiction narrative on grief and Life
by
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Merry, my wife, looked at me and said, “It is too early. I’m not ready”. I would argue with my grieving mind later over whether she had said the second part, “I’m not ready” or not. My grief convinced that she was telling me she was not ready to enter hospice care. My rational mind telling me that she had not said it at all. The part of me that was trying to reconcile the two minds telling me that in her condition, she may have meant anything. At the time, I replied telling her that we were nearly an hour past when we were expected. I did not say that I knew there was no other choice.
It was a January Wednesday, a little past noon. The month leading up to this time had been one long nightmare. Merry was dying. There was no escaping it. The cancer was so advanced that her liver was not really functioning at all. The toxins it was supposed to cleanse from her blood, had it been functioning, had built up to the point where she was having delusions. In Merry’s case, by the time the cancer was found, it was too advanced to even get started on chemo. So much for happily ever-after. Once the train wrecks, there is no repairing it. Too broken, too many pieces, nothing but a pile of scraps. I planted a hundred or so tulip bulbs in the yet to be sod covered earth of her grave. I could picture her mischievous grin as I did it. A little something natural to keep her company. A little something beautiful added to the world. As an avid gardener and fan of all things green, she would have understood. I left with my own mischievous grin. The first one I can remember having in months.
As I pack my travel gear onto the bicycle, I feel that I am leaving this story incomplete. That I am taking the easy, poetic licensed way to stop it at this point: “...and he rode off into the morning sun on his well packed, well tuned bicycle to meet his destiny”. I hate that. I reject that.
I have to continue to confront her loss and all it means to me. So, this chapter may as well close with one last round of memories for everyone. A few pieces of train wreckage for everyone! Sorry about the sharp edges. The rest I’ll pack and carry with me to Wherever, Whenever, on this journey that I didn’t choose and cannot stop.
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About the Book
The train that was the happy life of Ronnie and Merry was derailed by Merry’s rapid, unexpected death from pancreatic cancer. This nonfiction book chronicles Ronnie’s grief and thoughts on life and God during the days leading up to her death and during the year that followed. It captures the raw emotion of a man as he seeks to understand and cope with the loss of his wife. It follows one rule in its telling: it must be honest from the start. That honesty and raw emotion comes through in every paragraph and makes this a very personal, well-told story.
Anyone that has known the loss of a loved one can relate to this story and hopefully will be helped by knowing that it is a path well traveled. They are not alone and are not the first to travel to wherever, whenever.
The life we plan is seldom the life we end up with. In the end, it comes down to faith and trust in God. That trust gives us the ability to walk through the wreckage of our broken plans and our broken lives and onto the path that God intends for us to follow. Join Ronnie on his journey toward that path.
About the Author
R.L. Graham lives alone in Colorado Springs, but unexpectedly and perhaps only temporarily so. In this very personal narrative, he tells the story of how his life changed, just when he thought he had it all figured out.