The Daddy Gap

My heart was in my throat as I watched my six-year-old son catch sight of Jordan, a young man at our church who always went out of his way to give him attention. He broke into a run and jumped up into Jordan’s arms in a big bear hug. I was glad he was there for support, knowing the Children’s Pastor and I were getting ready to share some difficult news. As we sat down in a little circle, I resisted the urge to hold Ethan in my lap.
Pastor Jim spoke first.
“Ethan, can we talk to you for a few minutes?”
Ethan nodded obediently.
Jim began by telling him a story about a boy in our church whose father had gone to jail. As he was speaking, I noticed that Ethan was sitting very still, completely focused and attentive, which was unusual for him.
“Ethan, I’m afraid I have some hard news. Your dad is in jail.”
My eyes were riveted on his face as he received the words that I knew even his brave little heart would be deeply wounded by.
“How does that make you feel?” Jim asked gently.
“Sad.”
“Yeah, I bet it does.” Then the kicker. “Do you have any questions you’d like to ask?”
Without missing a beat Ethan nodded solemnly.
“Who’s going to take my Dad’s place?”
There was something in the innocence of that little boy question that caught us all off guard. No one spoke for a minute or two as we blinked back tears. Finally Jim spoke up and told Ethan that he had a Father in heaven who loved him more than anything and would always be with him.
“Do you have any more questions?”
Ethan shook his head. None.
Jim asked to pray for him, and he held out his little hands for us to hold on to.

The more I thought about my son’s response since that hard day, the more it brought me to tears and confounded me. I kept coming back to the fact that his only question hinged on the perceived necessity of a father’s presence in his life. Like he couldn’t possibly be expected to live without one.
And I began to think about all the other little boys and girls who’ve had to hear that kind of news, probably in much more hostile settings where caring for their hearts was not the first thing on everyone’s mind.
Maybe as their parents were screaming at each other and slamming doors.
“Your dad found someone he likes better than us. We’re moving out.”
Maybe as they watched for the hundredth time as their father snuck off with shady friends late at night.
“Your dad has a drug problem and who knows when he’ll be back.”
Maybe on the playground as some well-meaning or not so well-meaning kids define reality for them.
“You don’t have a dad.”
Even while 79 percent of Americans believe that the number one social issue that plagues our country today is fatherlessness, our culture still tries to feed us the lie that “kids are resilient” and that with a little counseling and medication they can get over it and be fine. But the truth is, there is a space in a child’s life that only a dad can fill.
There are things that God intended a father to provide that a mother at her best simply cannot. She was not designed to. God distinctly designed a man to be the leader of his home, the protector and provider for his family. At his best, he is the one who speaks love and truth into his sons and daughters, who instills security, worth and identity and whose example gives them a model of a Father in heaven who is trustworthy, faithful and strong. Unfortunately, we have an enemy who knows that if he can take out the leader, he can weaken, cripple and scatter those in his wake. The Bible says he prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Sadly, he often succeeds, and when he does there are casualties. Today, record numbers of fathers have fallen prey to drug and alcohol addiction, violence, pornography, adultery, and other seemingly harmless lures that end in death; the death of a marriage, a family, and sometimes even the man himself. When this happens, instead of the example above, the father’s legacy can be devastating to generations of sons and daughters who feel abandoned, unprotected, unworthy. The saddest part of all is that they also get presented with a distorted picture of a God who is weak, unloving and not to be trusted.
It’s difficult enough when one family has to endure the pain, grief and financial hardship of losing a father, but imagine millions of children being raised in families where their biological father is absent. That’s what is happening right now in America. Our country leads the world with the highest percentage of single parent families. The latest statistics show that approximately 40 percent of all families in our country are now headed by a single parent (compared with just 13 percent in 1970) and more than 80 percent of them are single mothers. If you are reading this book, there’s a good chance you might be one of them.
Make no mistake…the majority of these single parent families are in crisis; relational crisis, financial crisis, emotional and spiritual crisis. Most single moms are overwhelmed in the role of trying to be two parents plus financially providing what their children need. Forty percent of single mothers are now considered “food insecure." One third spend more than half their income on housing, which is generally considered the threshold for “severe housing cost burden.” Forced to work more hours or multiple jobs just to stay afloat in this economy, single mothers have less time to spend with their kids. Starved for parental involvement, children in single parent homes are much more likely to suffer educationally, exhibit behavioral problems and be vulnerable to abuse and neglect. Statistics regarding drug and alcohol abuse, teen promiscuity and pregnancy, suicide and incarceration rates are alarmingly higher among those who come from a home where the father is absent.
Basically, every social problem this generation is faced with points back to the lack of a godly father in the home.
So what do we do? What do you do as the single mom reading this who is overwhelmed or in crisis? What do you do as a single dad who wants to be involved in his kids’ lives but doesn’t know how to get back on track? How about as the leader of a church or another concerned member of society who wants to stand in the gap to help?
You would probably agree that the first step toward healing and restoration in any area is not to treat the symptoms, but identify and attack the core of the problem. We believe the core of the single parenting crisis lies in the unresolved father wounds of both single parents and their children. If we can bridge this ‘daddy gap’ and lead a single parent and their children out of crisis and into wholeness physically, emotionally and spiritually, we can not only restore individuals and families, but also start restoring a generation.
Through these chapters you will hear how God took me from a brand new single mom in crisis to the founder of a ministry that encourages single parents locally and around the world. I will share pieces of my journey, my son’s journey, and stories from other single parent families whose lives I’ve had the privilege of stepping into. You will also get to hear from my co-author and friend Matt Haviland, who will share his experience growing up without a dad in the home and how he was radically redeemed from a life of destruction that nearly cost his life on three separate occasions. Today, as the founder of A Father’s Walk ministry for single dads, Matt is one of the most passionate advocates in our country for restoring single dads and keeping them engaged in the lives of their children. He also embodies the heart of the Father more than just about any man I know. Together, we hope to bring you compelling evidence that if full restoration is possible for us, it is possible for you and for all single parent families!