Loving Your Daughter-in-law

Bonding Bridge Builders

There are many positive things that you can do to build a bridge to a great relationship with your daughter-in-law. The following example is not one of them.
Jenna was a newlywed and was insecure about most things. A big hole was shot right through what little confidence she had the day she received a cookbook as a gift from her mother-in-law entitled, Gourmet Cooking for the Lazy Chef!
Seriously?! Did that woman really see this as building a bridge to a better relationship with her daughter-in-law? That gift was thoughtless and passive aggressive. Fortunately, I know that you are not that kind of mother-in-law or you wouldn’t be reading this book.
Be Generous With Compliments
There are many encouraging things that you can do to make your daughter-in-law feel comfortable and loved. The first action that you can take is to look for positive things about her and then compliment her. Who doesn’t like to hear when they have done a good job preparing a meal or choosing a gift or decorating a room? Some of you may have to look a little harder or be a bit more creative in your compliments than others but it can be done. If she has you over for a meal and the meat is tough and the vegetables are limp and cold, tell her how nice the table looks. If it is not even set well or there are crusty things stuck to it, compliment her on the lovely candle. No candle? Tell her how comfortable the chairs are. Say something positive and refrain from saying anything negative. I know your mother told you that if you can’t find anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all but that doesn’t always work with your daughter-in-law. She will know what your silence means. So, find something nice to say and say it.
I remember the first time that my mother and father-in-law came to visit our new apartment after we were married. I was very nervous because my mother-in-law was quite the cook and I was truly a novice at cooking. I decided to make Kool-Aid lemonade because it was a hot summer day. I made it and served it to them. They smiled and acted delighted with the cool, refreshing drink. They were very kind and affirming about everything. My nerves started to calm a bit and after visiting awhile I went back into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of lemonade. I nearly spewed it out all over the floor. I had put in the water and the drink mix but forgot the sugar. I couldn’t get the pucker off of my face for what seemed like hours because of how sour that drink was. I apologized profusely to them when I confessed what I had done. My mother-in-law was so gracious and kind to me that I haven’t forgotten it forty years later. When it was time for them to leave, she leaned in and said to me in a soft, smiling voice, “Now, you have the terrible, terrifying first visit from your mother-in-law over with.” She didn’t say anything negative to me, and she could have. She was warm and complimentary about everything she possibly could be and she let me know that she could relate to the angst that I had been feeling. She did all that she could to set me at ease. You can do the same thing for your daughter-in-law and she will love you for it.
A Positive Pre-emptive Strike
Do you want to win your daughter-in-law over in the space of about twenty seconds? Tell your son in front of her that if you ever hear him saying, “This isn’t how my Mom makes it” or “I like the way that my Mom does it better” or anything akin to that, you will personally come and set him straight. In doing this, you are affirming her in her new role. You are letting her know that you have no intention of trying to run his life and that you recognize who the alpha female is in his world. Those few words are establishing who he is to show his allegiance to from the beginning. She knows that she is not going to have to fight you for his attention or approval. I can almost hear her sigh of relief from here.
It takes a very secure person to do this. Deep down inside, we secretly want our sons to think that our mac and cheese or our brownies are the best in the world. If we are not vigilant, there is an ugliness that can rise up within us that wants to compete with her and beat her. Keep your eye on the prize of having a great relationship with your daughter-in-law which is worth so much more than being the best mac and cheese maker this side of the Mississippi.
Be Aware of Her Culture
Another positive thing that you can do that will help build your relationship with you daughter-in-law is be aware of her culture. You don’t have to own an iPhone , an iPad, or a Mac computer. You don’t have to be a frequent Facebook user or tweet your day away on Twitter. You can skip the tattoo and the body piercings but you need to know about these things. Listen to the radio, read books, magazines and newspapers, be aware of the popular TV shows and movies that are out even if you wouldn’t be caught dead watching some of them. “Be aware” of her culture, don’t act like you are a part of her culture. You need to act your age. However, if you know her world and her traditions, you will be able to relate to one another better. If she can relate, that opens up opportunities for conversation which leads to a deeper relationship. If you act like a dinosaur was your contemporary, she will respond to you in the same way. You don’t have to be a Pop culture maven, but be able to carry on a conversation about her world.
Lighten Up
Everyone wants to be around a positive, happy person as opposed to a grumpy, negative one so loosen up and have fun! Don’t take yourself so seriously. Have an easy laugh. You don’t have to be the center of attention (it’s probably better if you are not) but you can enjoy the company of those with whom you are spending time. Get out of the corrective mode of your past parenting and have a good time.
One of the things I love the most about my daughter-in-law, Holly, is that she is so free to be herself. She doesn’t feel the need to impress anyone or live up to anyone’s standards but God’s. I can learn a lot from that girl. I love to have fun, but I can be uptight about some things, like leaving the house in the morning without makeup.
One morning when I was staying with Holly, she came blowing in to the bedroom and said, “Come on. We’re getting in the car in our pajamas and we’re making a run to Starbucks!” “What, without makeup and in our pajamas? I would love a Starbucks but I need to at least put my clothes on. I can’t go out in my pajamas!” Holly looked at me and yelled while she laughed, “Come on, Nannie! Loosen Up! Loosen Up!!! Let’s Go! It will be fun!” I decided she was right. We loaded into the car in our PJs and made our coffee run…..and it was fun! In fact, it was a great memory of a crazy thing that we did together. So the advice is the same to you, “Loosen Up! Loosen Up! It will be fun!” It is also a great way to break down barriers between you and your daughter-in-law.
Be Yourself