Letters to My Child’s Guardian

If the unthinkable happened and you were killed today, who would take care of your precious child? Have you considered the endless list of parenting issues, hopes, dreams, and desires that concern your child and your child’s chosen guardian? Does the person you selected to serve as your child’s guardian know your child’s friends, family members, and family traditions? Does this guardian know your child’s health history and special needs? Will this person be able to maintain every aspect of your child’s life, memories, and special routines?

If you are wrestling with this decision and fail to pick a guardian before your death, there are potential results that you need to consider. First, your child and family members will likely spend an inordinate amount of time and resources sorting through this issue, and they may struggle as they seek to determine your wishes without your guidance.

Second, in the aftermath of a disaster, your child will be uprooted, grief-stricken, and unsure of how to proceed. If you can minimize this uncertainty by designating a guardian who is able and willing to step in and immediately able to comfort your child would you?

Last, if you fail to designate a guardian before your death, your child may unnecessarily be thrust into a chasm of many unknowns; his or her health needs may be compromised because of lack of knowledge or sensitivity; and lengthy explanations or inaccurate assumptions may result because of your silence. Without your planning and follow-through, your child may end up being raised by an individual who would have been your last choice as his or her guardian. Inaction or indecisiveness on your part could have severe consequences for your child’s entire life.

If you have been able to select a primary guardian for your child, you have taken an important and momentous first step. However, naming this person in your estate plan is only a beginning point to help you consider who would best parent your child if you could not.

In your will or estate plan, it is important to name a guardian and an alternate guardian. Did you know, however, that in spite of your best efforts to develop a comprehensive plan and select an appropriate and loving guardian, the court might actually appoint a different guardian for your child? As a parent, you will want to frequently review the guardian you have selected to raise your child and also nurture the personal relationship between him or her and your child. By vigilantly and diligently pursuing these steps, you will do much to assure yourself that your selected guardian is the right person for this incredible and awesome task—and that a court will agree with your decision.

So let us assume you have tackled the difficult decision of selecting a guardian and established an estate plan for your child. Now what? It is essential to have this discussion and obtain the prospective guardian’s consent before naming him or her. Ask your guardian to give this matter serious consideration and to feel free to decline without explanation.

Once you have selected your child’s guardian and signed a new will, these discussions should not end. In fact, this should be just the starting point for further sharing and more parenting discussions. There are several important reasons to dedicate yourself to have these discussions with your child’s prospective guardian.

First, they will arm your chosen guardian with enough information to understand, deeply appreciate, and nurture your child. Your child’s guardian is charged with serving the “best interests” of your child. Without this ongoing dialogue, how will he or she (or the court) know what is in your child’s best interests from your perspective? How will your guardian really know your child at all? It is up to you to communicate clearly your views about what you consider to be in your child’s unique and special interests. This type of information will be appreciated if you die prematurely. Do you want to leave disjointed shreds and bits of information for your child, or would you prefer to provide a dedicated journal that includes important information?

Second, these discussions will either confirm that you have chosen the right person to serve as your child’s guardian or solidify your doubts about your selection. A concerned guardian will usually appreciate your input. A loving guardian will want (and crave) more information about your child and will welcome the opportunity to discuss your parenting wishes. No doubt, you have selected your guardian precisely because of his or her involvement and relationship with your child and importance in your child’s life. Given this, if your chosen guardian does not welcome such discussions or have time for them, perhaps you should reconsider your selection.

Third, these discussions will help your guardian develop insight, intuition, and a frame of reference with regard to your child, and he or she will have a better understanding of your parenting priorities and what you view to be in your child’s best interests. Over time, these discussions will also give you an opportunity to reflect on your own parenting, refine what is most important to you, identify what has and has not worked in the past, and share parenting in the trenches with another loving person who can make it possible for you to become a better parent. It is during the moments when you are still and shut out the din and chaos of everyday life—when you plan and contemplate—that you intuit best and refocus yourself on being the best parent possible. You will be surprised at how much you actually know when you give yourself the time and space to dwell on your children and reflect on what most helps them to blossom.

Preferably, these discussions will happen long before you appoint anyone as a guardian for your child. Ideally, these discussions should occur frequently to address the changing needs of your child and to cover the range of critical and helpful information your guardian needs. There are hazards and limitations, however, if you rely solely on verbal discussions to provide for your child’s future. One weakness is the possibility that the person with whom you discuss guardianship matters may not actually be appointed as your child’s guardian. As a result, not all of your valuable insights and advice will be transferred. Haphazard or casual conversations often lack sufficient detail to fully describe your parenting preferences, or they may be taken out of context, misunderstood, or prematurely interrupted. In addition, what if your child’s potential guardian innocently forgets or inaccurately recalls your advice?

Thus, while discussions are helpful, they are not a sufficient or trustworthy means to give all the desired information to a child’s potential guardian, and they do not create the desired reliable record of your advice. For this reason, if possible you and your guardian should keep a complete and up-to-date written record of this shared information so that necessary information is not forgotten or lost. Both your child’s guardian and your child will appreciate a more permanent record of your well-considered advice.