Limited Love

The passing of Papa brought forth my spiritual warfare. Satan saw his opportunity to get to me while I was still young and forming. I was naïve to the root of what was happening. In the middle of it all, I turned into a completely different girl. Some of which happened to be for the better because I dug my heels deep into my faith and stayed there. I would probably only be lukewarm without my ten years of tiny turmoil. I say tiny now because I have seen big…and I know that I have yet to see huge.

The part that I find so unsettling (and quite frankly just downright sad) is the fact that I did a complete 180 degree turn from the sweet persona that I consisted of. That little Sarah Jane feels like a fairy tale character to me. I have no idea what it felt like to be her. She was caring. She was loving. She was good. Though “she” was me, I simply do not remember her heart and it breaks mine.

When I made that unnatural quick snatch of a turn, I did not think to turn back around and go get her. I prayed when it was too late that I could be that happy again. I was so focused on facing the new direction in such pain and confusion that I only knew to grab God’s hand tight and keep going forward. I did not want my want to give up.

How many times do people say, “Oh don’t look back” or “Don’t live in the past”? I should have! I made a mistake. A big ugly mistake and it nearly cost me my life. In a way, it did. I could never proclaim to have such abundance of spirit that I had before I was in the seventh grade. It was not the inevitable act of losing your innocence. I lost the entire human being as I was known. I was and still am stumped at how quickly I changed. If it had been gradual, I may have stood a chance.

However, just as all good things must come to an end, so must all bad. When I decided for myself to do another 180, it had blessing written all over it! God knew all along that I was living for and because of Him. This time it was with purpose. I became a true young woman of God and changed. My outlook became uplifted and hopeful. I no longer felt beat down. I wanted His will for my life. I wanted to listen to His calling and answer!