To whom do you owe your spouse?
A Purpose-Driven Marriage
by
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This book is a tribute to late Rev. Mary Nkoyo, my beloved wife of thirty five years and best friend for forty years dating back to the time we first met as teenagers in high school in 1974. We got married in October 1979, and by August of 1980 got our first born (daughter), followed by a son in September 1982. We had fourteen great years after our marriage, twelve years while serving as an officer in the Kenya army (1976-1988) and also the life after my voluntary retirement in 1988. In 1992 we relocated to USA where we began a new life but also where we faced very new challenges as Mary’s health became a major issue to us as a family. She came down with depression in 1993, tracing to an abnormally early-onset of menopause (at thirty seven years of age). For the next twenty one years, Mary would experience recurring episodes, mainly occasioned by her tendency to secretly withdraw from use of her antidepressant pill which otherwise gave her control over the condition. This is a common phenomenon with individuals that struggle with depression. Her last five years of life, got even more complicated, after she experienced kidney failure in addition to depression. She had to be dialyzed three times a week for five years. In spite of all these, inside of me, love for Mary and commitment to our marriage only intensified with time and I knew without a doubt that Mary would have done the same for me. This was a test of my love and commitment. That is not a common phenomenon in many marriages as many spouses, especially men folk tend to drift away, abandoning the ailing spouse for greener pastures.
In this tribute I have highlighted what motivated me to rise to the occasion thus enabling Mary to live out her full potential as a wife, a mother and minister of the gospel to the last day. I give glory to God for His abundant grace and mercy and secondly, a deserving Mary whose love for forty years was exclusively and faithfully dedicated to me from the first day I met her in high school to her last breath.
In this tribute, I felt urged to share with you the reader, the secret of what became the driving PURPOSE to our marriage commitment. The key word being INDEBTEDNESS. That is, a sense in me and in Mary of owing one another to other entities/ parties besides ourselves, whom we believed to have interest in the success of our marriage, no matter what challenges we faced. Commitment to each other was never an option, it was a duty. We were married for life and felt incomplete without each other. Mary was mine and I belonged to Mary every moment.
First entity, the Creator: Your spouse is a mystical creation, "Fearfully and wonderfully made..." (Psalms 139:14 NKJV), a creation of God, one made in God’s image and after His own likeness. According to scripture: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him…” (Genesis 1:27 KJV). We owed each other to God. Secondly, your spouse is a meritorious entity, one that has contributed immensely into your life and to whom you are deeply indebted. We owed our beings to each other. Thirdly, your children are entities with interest. Your spouse is their irreplaceable parent regardless of his or her social, economic, emotional, or physical status. I owed a mother to my children while Mary owed a father to them. Fourthly, relatives from both sides. Your spouse is their flesh and blood or a valued in law. I owed Mary to her family and to my family and likewise Mary owed me to my family and to her family. Fifthly, joint friends or your spouse’s personal friends. You owe your spouse to such friends.
Once you can clearly identify entities such as mentioned and to which you owe your spouse, those to whom you are accountable and obligated, then, you will start viewing yourself as your “spouse’s keeper”, a steward entrusted with care of something precious to the entities. You naturally start developing a greater appreciation and respect for your spouse. In the end, your marriage relationship and commitment will find PURPOSE in these entities. In other words your constant consciousness of the entities will act as virtual reinforcements and motivators and no matter what trials, temptations, tempest or storms life may bring, your marriage commitment can only get stronger, firmly entrenched and purpose driven.
That is what inspired my title, “To Whom Do You Owe Your Spouse?” and a subtitle, “A Purpose Driven Marriage.”
To illustrate these virtues, I have focused mainly on the person, Rev. Mary Nkoyo, what her faith and courage did to enhance our union; where she did it and how she did it, going back to the place and the time our relationship began. The stories cover years of our courtship, our marriage, our parenting and grand parenting. I have laid bare our life’s story together during the best and hardest of our times so others, beginning with our own children and eventually our great, great grandchildren can learn from our experience. How at times, I had to use tough love with blinding tears in my eyes to have my best friend cared for even though against her will. And, to the very end to show that, no one meant more to me than Mary because on the other hand no one meant more to Mary than Wilfred.
In a nutshell, Mary’s sensitivity to the still small voice of God averted death and destruction to our family by welcoming angels into our home to protect us; Mary’s courage shielded her husband from enemies out to destroy his life, while her faith in God opened lasting doors to the land of promise and unlimited opportunities for her family and posterity. After reading this true life stories, I guess you will view your spouse differently.
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About the Book
To this point, my love, hand in hand, we climbed the steepest mountains and walked down the deepest valleys. Side by side, we fought good fights for each other, for our children, and the kingdom; some we lost, some we won. In step, we ran good races—some long, some short—but never grew weary or fainted. Together, we dreamt and dared many ventures and even though often checkered by setbacks, we never ceased to dream. In all these, together we celebrated glorious moments and also cheered one another in lowly and humbling moments, but through it all, one thing remained a constant companion: faith. We never lost the faith. First, faith in God, who called us as youth; faith in one another; faith in our children; faith in our families; and faith in our friends. It is faith in these entities that gave us the courage, fueled our race, emboldened our daring spirits, and in their sum, inspired purpose to our marriage commitment and to our mutual promise on that day, October 13, 1979, “until death to part.” You and I kept that promise faithfully for thirty-five years to this point.
About the Author
Wilfred R. Nkoyo, a retired major of the Kenyan army, was born on July 14, 1954. After graduating from secondary school in Narok, Kenya, in 1973, he went on for advanced levels at Nyandarua High School (1974–75) where he met his future wife, Miss. Mary Mbuthuri. In 1976, he became an officer cadet at the Kenyan Armed Forces Training College, graduating on April 22, 1977. His Excellency Jomo Kenyatta, Kenya President and Commander In Chief commissioned him as an officer in the army. During his twelve years as a combat and staff officer, Nkoyo received extensive training and served in different capacities, including as an assistant military attaché in Washington, D.C., from 1982 to 1984. In October 1979, as an army Lieutenant he got married to his high school sweetheart Mrs. Mary Nkoyo.
In August 1988, Nkoyo retired from the army so that he and his wife could get more involved in Christian evangelism, a passion dating back to their high school days. They also wanted to start vocational training projects to help equip young people with the skills for self -advancement. In 1992, Nkoyos decided to return to United States of America with their two little children, Caroline and Armstrong. Wilfred and Mary entered the National Bible Institute in Maryland to study Theology. After graduating, he was ordained as a minister of the gospel in 1995. Wilfred and Mary are experts on youth redemptive interventions and spent years working with troubled, abused, and abandoned youths of all ages from many nations, helping them to reconnect with society and to find purpose in life. From 2001 to 2008, he and his wife worked with the Methodist Children’s Home in Waco, Texas, and with the Baptist Children’s Home in Round Rock, Texas, as home parents.
Married for thirty-five years (1979-2014), the author and his late wife became popular speakers in churches on marriage relationships and counseled youth, families and couples in troubled marriages. Their children, Caroline, thirty-four, and Armstrong, thirty-two are both married. He is also a grandfather of two. Major (Retired) Nkoyo is enrolled with the American Military University, pursuing a degree in International Relations and majoring in Globalization and Human Security. An American citizen, he lives in Waco, Texas. He is a fervent advocate and a solid role model for strong marriage commitments and positive parenting.