Give Me My Inheritance

710282 preview Taken from the chapter "I Will Not Give You Up"

One of my favourite passages in The Old Testament is found in Hosea chapter 11. Very often this passage is referred to the Gethsemane of The Old Testament. As the heart of God is wrenched open in Gethsemane so too it is wrenched open in this passage. The child He had raised and brought up in Egypt and had freed from slavery, had turned its back on God and He was hurting. Three times God asks the question, “how can I give you up, how can I turn my back on you.” Three times comes the answer, “I will not.” Love and grace had triumphed over judgement and retribution. God reminded the Israelites how He had brought them up from an infant nation, how He had fed them and nurtured them. How He had led and taught them and carried their load when it got too heavy. Yet in spite of all God did for them, the closer He wanted them to come to Him the further away they went, and the more He called – the further they went.

As we drove back to Johannesburg the thought of turning my back on her was being contemplated much and on the face of it, it seemed like the logical solution. It did not seem to matter anymore that I had been through so much painful self-examination. I reasoned that at least my conscience was clear. I had confessed my sin to God and He has forgiven me. I could do no more and the idea of giving up on reconciliation was very attractive.

This one broken relationship was taking its toll on all the others. This one shattered relationship was putting strain on the rest of the family. We were too afraid to speak about it for fear of emotions running high and things being said in anger that would fracture the family unit more than what it already was and in order to save what we had I was very close to calling it all a day with Mandy. I would leave the door open but I was certainly not going to walk through it to go “look for her’”

On the long drive home – about 12 hours in all – God had another plan. This passage of scripture would not leave me. I could not recall the whole passage from memory but certain sections kept beating in my mind.

When Israel was a child I loved him……I taught him to walk…….it was I who healed him…..it was I who led him with cords of human kindness….I bent down to feed him……but the more I called him the more he went further away from me . How can I give you up…..how can I hand you over……..how can I destroy you. Then comes the answer – I will not……I will not…….I will not.

As I repeated the words, “I will not……..I will not……I will not,” over and over in my mind a thousand times it began to take hold of me and I began to realise that this passage of scripture was not called to mind by mistake. It was being written deep into my soul for a season such as this.

It was time for some more breaking. Here I was ready to turn out the lights and move on but God was saying, “you have to love like I love and I did not give up on a disobedient Israel so what is your reason for giving up on Mandy?” I had no answer for God. Yes I had excuses but I had no reason – especially when I had placed all in His hands. In essence I was telling God that He must not waste any more time because I no longer wanted it. I was now robbing God of His glory and robbing ourselves of a blessing. It was a “lose – lose” situation. Anger and hurt was winning the battle over love and forgiveness. Evil was triumphing over good and the blame was squarely at my feet. What was more was that I had come to the point where in total weakness of spirit, I did not care. To be totally blunt I did not care if I was robbing God of His glory and at the same time robbing the family of a blessing. I was more than tired and weary – the fight had gone from the dog. I had no more wood to burn.

The three little word kept pounding away deep within – I will not. They pounded away until the light went on. This was God displaying His love that I was to reflect. When the reality of where I found myself and the potential consequences of my actions hit home it began to rain. Not outside the car. No, it was raining inside. The floodgates of my eyes had opened and my shirt and pants were getting very wet. I cried like never before, more out of shame for relegating God to being a failure than my feelings for the family and especially Mandy. I needed wiper blades.

I had no more strength to carry on. As far as I was concerned it was over and time for us to move on. My faith was at breaking point and I even began to question whether God really had an interest in all this mess. I questioned if the biological family was really that important to God or was it just the church family – the family of Christ. My strength was drained and my will to carry on was gone along with it. I had nothing more to give. If I was going to carry on perusing this mission of forgiveness and reconciliation I needed strength from somewhere. And since I was beginning to doubt God’s sincerity, I had nowhere left to turn.

We drove on for a few more hours when another passage of scripture came to mind

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (20)

As I pondered over these words more tears flowed. In short my strength was going to be found in power through His Spirit in my inner being as Christ dwells in my heart through faith. Ay yes – faith – and I had very little of that just then. And I reminded God of this fact – my faith is shattered. But then God hammered home the first phrase of the text. “For this reason I kneel before the Father.”

If I wanted my family restored? If I wanted peace? If I wanted the strength required to go on? If I wanted to be filled with the love of Christ to be able to unconditionally forgive and remember no more, then I had to get down on my knees. This is where it was all going to happen. The strength and the faith and the love I needed to continue was going to be found.

On my knees. And God would get the Glory due to Him.