Understanding When Others Don't

Introduction

Most people mean well.

Most people want to say and do things that are helpful to people h urting from loss. Most Christians want to represent God well and to be healing influences to those around us. We just have varying degrees of understanding as to how to do that.

This book is about understanding.

It is about increasing whatever understanding you have about loss, including practical application for how to use that understanding. It is designed to help you understand different kinds of losses, why and how people react differently to loss, and finally, how your own losses may have impacted your life in ways you may not have recognized. It also corrects misunderstandings about loss.

Misunderstanding hurts. Understanding heals.

In the book of Job, that quintessential story of grief and suffering in the Bible, Job’s friends visit him after he experiences multiple losses. At first they simply sit with him in silence as he expresses his grief. At that point, they are doing okay. Just their presence is support. Then they open their mouths.

Instead of ministering with words reflecting understanding, they offer explanations and judgments that result in Job being hurt further.

Job’s friends didn’t understand. They didn’t understand Job or what he was going through from his perspective; they spoke only from their own limited viewpoint.

As a clinical counselor in private practice, I hear grieving clients tell of unhelpful and even damaging remarks people make to them as they go through grief. Grieving clients – people who have lost relationships, finances, health, dreams, trust and sometimes even their faith – often hear such comments or questions as:

“It’s been six months since your husband died; isn’t it time to go through his things?”

“It was just a pet.”

“So your dad was an alcoholic when growing up; you’re an adult now. What does that have to do with your life now?”

“Infertile? Just relax and you’ll get pregnant.”

“Why did you have to file for bankruptcy?”

“You were just a few weeks pregnant; it’s not like you lost a real person.”

“I know you lost your son, but you still have your daughter.”

“It was just a house; it’s just a material thing.”

“You are so emotional. Are you making this worse than it is?”

“God has a reason for this.”

“You shouldn’t be angry at God.”

“It’s been nine months. Shouldn’t you be over this by now?”

Such comments and variations on those themes increase rather than diminish pain.

So what should you say?

Unfortunately, there are no simple answers to that question. Despite our desire to find easy, simple steps to ministering to grieving persons, people are far too complex for that. This book addresses those complexities.