Behind the Mask

I struggled inwardly and felt like I could not let my guard down for one minute. Through all the Bible studies, I had come to a realization of what sin is. Not only had I killed someone, but now I also knew that this act was a sin and wondered how in the world God could ever really love someone like me?

John and I both enjoyed the fellowship of the singles group, and our friendship grew deeper and deeper. He would come over for dinner, we would go to lunch, and get together for different things outside of church. He was someone I had known all my life because our Dads were best friends. I had just never seen John as more than a friend, until now.

He came over for dinner one night and shared something with me that no one had ever shared before - sexual abstinence. He told me how important it was for him to remain pure until he got married. He explained that keeping himself pure and clean, (remaining a virgin until marriage) was the most precious gift he would ever be able to give his wife. WOW! I had never heard anything like that before.

As John left, he told me he would be leaving to work out of town for the week, but would be back Friday night for the Bible study our singles group was beginning on the book of Acts. He was the Regional Manager of a hotel chain and had to work in the northern part of the state for the week while one of his managers was on vacation.

It was Friday night and our singles group was at the church, but John had not yet arrived. John was never ever late. Shortly after the Bible study began we received a call from John's mother informing us that he had been killed in a car accident on the way home. An eye witness said an eighteen-wheeler ran John off the road into the median. When John tried to pull back up onto the highway, his car flipped, he was thrown from the vehicle and was killed instantly. The wave of grief that swept through our church family, not to mention our singles group, was immense! Somehow this grief was different than the grief I experienced with the loss of my child through abortion. Grieving over John was a sadness in the sense that I would never be able to say “good-bye”, see him smile or talk with him again. The grief of my child, was a sadness that I would never get to see the child, coupled with shame and guilt of being the one who allowed it to happen.

The day of the funeral, John's best friend came up to me and told me that John was in love with me. I knew that, but never acknowledged the fact to anyone. My Mom was always telling me that John lit up like a light bulb every time I walked into a room. After she mentioned that, I started noticing and he did. When I would enter the doorway of a room he was in, he would see me and then his whole countenance became one big smile. He made me feel special and beautiful, but now he was gone and I felt a sense of abandonment. John never saw behind my mask. He did, however, leave me with a priceless treasure of something that was so valuable and important to him - the gift of purity when entering into a marriage relationship. I will be eternally grateful to God for teaching me that through John.

I began praying about this special gift and seeking God's Word about what the Bible says regarding purity. I read scriptures such as "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” Hebrews 13:4 and "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24. I did not really comprehend the full meaning of the “one flesh” so, I prayed about it and asked God why this was so important.

The revelation God showed me was a beautiful lemon cream pie which was representative of being a virgin. He showed me that when a sexual relationship takes place, in a marriage or outside of marriage, the person you have had a sexual relationship with becomes a part of this whole pie. You and that person are “one flesh.” If a person who is part of your whole pie (one flesh) then leaves, he takes some part of that whole with him. It is as if your pie is cut into eight pieces and one piece is now gone. Any time a sexual relationship occurs, you give another piece of your pie away until only part of the pie remains. There is a permanent difference.

As unusual as this visual was, it actually made sense to me. As I studied more about purity, I realized there was no way I could ever be that uncut beautiful whole lemon cream pie for my mate should I ever get married again. I was very sad that I had given myself to other men. I prayed that God would send me someone special who would be able to see beyond my past.