Marital Happiness Is a Choice

David Hume, the eighteenth century Scottish philosopher, writes: “The great end of all human industry is the attainment of happiness. For this were arts invented, sciences cultivated, laws ordained, and societies modeled, by the most profound wisdom of patriots and legislators. Even the lonely savage, who lies exposed to the inclemency of the elements, and the fury of wild beast, forgets not, for a moment, this grand object of his being.” Many people would agree with Hume that the pursuit of happiness seems to be the primary motivation of all human endeavors, such as going to school, working, vacationing, belonging to a religion and even getting married. However, Hume’s statement raises two fundamental questions that have troubled men for centuries: First, what is happiness? Second, how can it be attained? Attempts to answer those two questions have been the subject of many books and articles. Many seem to perceive happiness as a goal to pursue with all diligence, while others see it as a result or as a by-product of the pursuit of virtues. Still others see happiness as a by-product of pursuing Christ. The latter would also argue that happiness can be experienced through following certain principles and engaging in certain worthwhile activities. For instance, while marital happiness may be a worthy aspiration, it can be experienced in the process of practicing certain virtues and applying certain principles. As such, happiness, more specifically marital happiness, can be based on the choice of whether to practice those virtues or to apply those principles in their lives. These virtues and principles are in conjunction with God’s Word.

In Scripture, there is a close relationship between happiness and blessing. Throughout the Bible, being happy and being blessed are closely related. Furthermore, being blessed or happy is also linked with spiritual and moral virtues with obedience to and fear of the Lord. After battling meaninglessness and the disappointment of material success and pleasure, the writer of Ecclesiastes concludes that true happiness is found in the fear of God and the keeping of His commandments according to Ecclesiastes 12:13 KJV. The same thought is expressed in Psalms 128:1, Proverbs 3:21 and Proverbs 29:18, all of which express that happiness comes from fearing the Lord, walking in His ways and keeping His words. Jesus summarizes these thoughts in John 15:10-11 where He explains that the fullness of joy (happiness) is experienced through keeping His commandments and abiding in Him and in His love. Another theme that is prevalent in the Bible is the relationship between happiness and obedience. In Deuteronomy 10:12-13, the Lord outlined His requirements for the children of Israel. They included: (1) Fear the Lord your God; (2) Walk in His ways; (3) Love the Lord your God; (4) Serve Him and (5) Obey His commands. Then the Lord ends His instructions by saying, “This is for your own good.” Therefore, obedience to God’s laws and principles result in happiness in their marital relationships. The Prophet Isaiah expressed a similar idea when he established the relationship between obedience and “eating the good of the land” (Isa 1:19).

As such, the practice of spiritual virtues through obedience to God’s word is considered an important element for experiencing lasting happiness. This is the position I espouse in the book, Marital Happiness is a Choice: Following the Path of An Enjoyable Relationship with Your Spouse.

This book is written with a view to make people’s marriages an enjoyable journey. Pastors and teachers, who are engaged in both marital and pre-marital counseling, will have a tool that they can use as a resource. This book intends to clarify the biblical and psychological principles that will guide people to discover that marital happiness is not only possible; it is a choice they can make at any time. This choice begins with a conscious, well-informed decision to find the right partner for the journey. The readers will unravel the mystery that marital happiness is not something to be pursued but an ongoing experience to enjoy as a result of following the right path. Couples who are struggling in their marriage will find that it is never too late to follow the right direction in their marriage. Those who are contemplating marriage will know ahead of time what road they must travel if they are to avoid the pain and the suffering of poor marriages and experience the joy of living with their soul mate. While not exhaustive, the book will attempt to be as comprehensive as possible whereby most marital questions and issues are discussed. There are many books written on the issue of marriage and marital happiness. Marital Happiness is a Choice seeks to make a contribution to the field by offering a fresh perspective on the whole concept of marital happiness and how it can be achieved or experienced. I bring my training in the field of psychology and theology to facilitate an approach that integrates the two disciplines to address the various issues of marriage. In addition to my training, I have had the privilege over the years to teach classes on the subject of marriage and to conduct marital retreats on a regular basis. My experience in both marital and premarital counseling has equipped me to address issues that couples face in their marriages such as communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy between couples. This book will also give ideas and concepts that leaders, conference speakers and teachers may use in their presentations to couples and to students.

The following guidelines helped to form the purpose of writing this book. First, it must not be just another book on marriage. Second, it must be appealing to the reader. Third, it must be relevant enough to catch the interest of an audience who might be saturated with ideas about what makes marriage work. The readers of the manuscript submitted for evaluation have concluded that the book has accomplished such goals by the book addressing and dealing with most if not all issues related to marriage. They also found that it integrates both psychological and biblical principles related to married life. Finally, they all agreed that it is both insightful and practical. It is my hope that you will reach the same conclusions. Over the years of interacting with couples, I discovered six factors that contribute to the pain and disappointments of marriage. The following factors will be addressed in Marital Happiness is a Choice: 1. A poor conception of marriage and its purpose. 2. Irresponsible and unproductive belief that our happiness depends totally on how we are treated in the marriage. There is a lack of personal responsibility for one’s own happiness. 3. Wrong expectations of the marriage, wrong expectations of themselves, and wrong expectations of the mate. 4. Difficulties in managing their emotions in the marriage: A lot of people have never learned how to properly manage their emotions and to understand how their emotional outbursts affect their relationships. Emotions such as anger, sadness, fear and anxiety, if not managed well, can destroy a relationship. 5. Lack of creativity in rekindling and maintaining the flame of their marriages including their sexual love. 6. A lack of understanding of what people are going through in adjusting to various stages of their lives and their marriages and failure to cope effectively with the stress of those various stages.

Whether or not those factors constitute your marital experiences, this book will challenge your thinking and offer you some fresh insights into discovering and/or maintaining the joy of being married. It is my earnest hope and prayer that Marital Happiness Is a Choice will fulfill such purpose in your life.