When Faith > Fear ...

Isn't it crazy how six simple letters can completely alter the path of your life? C-A-N-C-E-R. Those six unassuming letters suddenly take on the connotation of a curse word people feel the need to whisper anytime it is mentioned in a sentence. Did you hear she has cancer?” or She's battling cancer shifts to become sentences murmured in hushed tones with fearful faces, like a secret.

Nothing was wrong with me- I was sure of it. I felt fine; I looked fine; I was fine. There had to be a mix up in the test results - there just had to be. I read the doctors lips as he spoke that life changing, ground breaking six letter word, but I refused to believe it. A screeching ring took over my consciousness as the room faded to black, and my eyes wilted closed. Uncertain of how long I was unconscious, I was awakened by my mother's whimper, and my father gently gripping my hand.

You have Hodgkin's Lymphoma, the doctor reminded me when I woke back up. You will need to start treatments as soon as possible; however, the good news is if you are going to have a cancer, this is the one you want. My mind swarmed at that comment; what was that supposed to mean? Who would ever want any cancer? Other six letter words began to flood my head as Dr. Johnson continued to explain the procedure that we were to follow to restore my health. Words like: doubts, failed, finish. Doubts of my future and what was to come of it. Failed exam results. Finish - finish was the hardest for me to grasp. I was finished with my volleyball career. Finished with any dream of being recruited to play at a collegiate level, finished with my summers of a carefree two weeks at camp, finished with the normalcy of a high school life.

Despite the uncertainty and confusion that came with this day, I was certain of one fact. This situation, this place in my life, was much greater than I was ever intended to handle on my own. If I knew one thing, it was that without God on my side, I could never win this battle. I promised right then and there, sitting on the paper-covered table, that I would not lose my faith in this trial. I would use this worldly disease to turn a test into my testimony. The Lord promises in "Jeremiah" 30:17 that "He will restore you to health and heal your wounds" and those were words I was willing to stand by no matter the hardship.

Journal Entry:

April 30, 2012

I went in to get the test results today from last week’s biopsy, but everything is kind of a blur because once I heard the word “cancer” I didn’t hear much after that. I went very light headed for awhile and began to only hear high pitched ringing as I watched the doctors lips continue to move – until the room went black. I didn’t process any of what he was telling me after that. My mom was fanning me as she cried, and my dad was holding my hand tightly. Even though hours have passed since the diagnosis, I am still in shock. I just don’t know how to handle this. I do know that God is holding on tight and would NEVER put an obstacle in my path that I couldn’t overcome. I trust completely that there is a purpose for me having cancer, and although I don’t know what it is yet, I promise to remain faithful to Christ throughout the trials and stand firm in my beliefs. I will pray that God will use this trial to show me the miracles that he is capable of, and heal me quickly and completely. One of the things I am most afraid of, is that people will start treating me differently at school. I don’t want to miss out on my high school life and lose the normalcy of a junior girl. Whether they pity me or become afraid to talk to me, I am just scared to see how everything is about to change. I guess this process will show me who my “true” friends are.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Then you will call on me and I will listen to you.” – Jeremiah 29:11-12