Journey to Daybreak

17
LETTING GO OF OURSELVES
For what will it profit them if they gain the whole world but forfeit their life? Or
what will they give in return for their life?
Matthew 16:26
We shall not find life by refusing to let go of our precious, protected selves.
Rowan Williams
Vladimir Nabokov succinctly stated, “The square root of ‘I’ is ‘I.’” Amid the soft tides of
evening, when life is somewhat still, it is good to ask ourselves a challenging question: “What
kind of person have I become?” This is a far more important question than asking “What did I
accomplish today?” Achievement has much to do with self, with my gifts, my talents, my
abilities. God has a deeper, eternal perspective on our days. He is interested, very interested, in
the character of our souls. He is less concerned with whether our behavior was good or bad as
with the fountainhead from which our behaviors spring: the inner quality of our heart, emotions
and mind. Who are we really? Are we the person we create for the world to see, or are we the
person God is making of us?
When the huge junk tree in our yard was felled, there remained a giant stump. Grinding it
down would be expensive, so we chose to decorate it with flowers and mulch. You can’t see the 56
stump now, but it’s still there, underneath, its roots still reaching far underground. So it is when
we decorate the selves that we have pieced together from our past experiences, education, and
family history. We are patching up an old life when Jesus wants to create a brand new one. C. S.
Lewis says that we think we are making “decent little cottage” of ourselves when God is
planning to build a palace. God did not become human to simply to make “better” people. He
came to make a new creation, creatures that are as unique as a winged horse. And there is no
pain harder to endure than the realization that our precious little selves must be uprooted and cast
aside to make way for the work of transformation.
Just when I thought the renovation job was complete in my life, God let me know that the
demolition had only begun. I had to make a genuine inventory of the person I’d become; it was
ugly stuff, and I balked at the work. Very few of us have the courage to lay their true selves
before God. The journey, for some, can be too frightening.
One of the most deceitful schemes of the self is to convince us that we can improve
ourselves if we just try hard enough. The precious, protected self that we have constructed
against a harsh and hostile world will react with vengeance at the thought of its demise. It will
fight back as we begin to unlock the prison of egoism. Yet however much we struggle to
improve ourselves, no matter how many creative and manipulative schemes we devise, we
cannot bootstrap our way to transformation. Ultimately, there is only one person who has the key
to the prison of our heart, who can release our true selves, as God created us to be. And the battle
is not won by effort but by surrender.
What does this surrender look like? It comes not by doing but by being. Surrender comes
in the form of genuine humility that recognizes the truth about the precious little selves that we
have made. We tell the truth about who we are and begin to lean on the One who created us. He 57
has known us all along and will not be surprised at anything we confess to him. With humility of
heart, genuine openness, and without self-loathing we drop the mask we have worn for the world
and stand alone before God.
Discovering those hidden parts of ourselves may take months or even years, but the
reward for this inner, spiritual discernment is worth the effort. We will become the persons God
created us to be. We become our authentic, loving, beautiful, true selves.
PAUSING TO PONDER
In what was have you protected the self-identity I have created over the years? How do
you feel about the prospect of taking a deep, hard look at the person you have become? Are you
ready to be transformed into the glorious, true self that God created you to be?
PRAYER
Lord, only you know the intricacies of my inner life. I have been successful in hiding out,
protecting myself from the prying gaze of others and even from myself. I now humble myself
before you. Take over my life. Be the only King and Ruler of my heart. Create in me a pure
heart, for your kingdom’s sake. Amen.