Choosing Stillness, Knowing Love

Emotions

Journal Exercises

Think of a time recently when you acted out in a way you regretted. You may have yelled at a loved one, sent an angry message, or cut someone off in traffic. Write about what happened and how you felt in that moment.

Now answer the following question: What was I afraid of? Take time to really get to the root.

Often the root of angry outbursts is fear—fear of not being in control, fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of being unlovable. Once you have identified your fear and written about it, write in big letters: “perfect love casts out fear.” Imagine the love of God embracing you, letting you know that you can let go of control and that your value is secure. Rest in knowing there is nothing to fear.

Constructive Anger

Paul quotes a Psalm when he says, “In your anger, do not sin.” This statement seems to imply that the anger itself is not sin. I used to believe that there was nothing good in anger. This caused me to suppress angry emotions and feel shame when they surfaced. Now I understand that anger is a sign post, alerting us to deeper fears and pains that need healing. Anger, when not explored or honored, can be irrational and destructive. Well observed anger, however, can be used as fuel to creatively solve problems, set healthy boundaries, and address wounds that need attention. The key is to resist the urge to act out in our anger—to not sin in our anger—but instead to develop the habit of pausing for stillness as soon as we are triggered. Just like all other emotions, we must honor our anger by being fully present with it.

The full verse in Psalm 4 that Paul quotes says, “Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.” Anger is an indicator that we need to dig deeper and search our hearts. Once we kindly acknowledge our strong emotions, we can see what they need to teach us. We can ask, “How can I use this energy to create rather than destroy?”

Also, when we are the recipients of another person’s rage, it can be helpful to recognize that their anger is also rooted in fear, shame, or unresolved pain. Knowing this makes it easier to treat them compassionately, even as we respond to their behavior with appropriate boundaries. It can be helpful to ask, “What might he be afraid of?” when someone acts in an unloving way. This helps us not take their behavior personally. When we are able to separate the value of a person from their behavior we are spared from offense and bitterness.

Emotions

Awareness Exercise

This week, pay attention to when restless energy rises in your body. As soon as you notice a general sense of irritability or unease within you, resist the urge to plow through or ignore the sign posts (this will only lead to a greater likelihood of being triggered and acting out). Instead choose to take a short “time-out.” Go to a quiet, private place and sit for a few minutes. Just be present with your emotions. First name where you feel the emotion in your body—Is it in your stomach? Chest? Throat? If the emotion feels blocked, simply name the emotion you are feeling over and over. For example, you might repeat, “I am so sad” or “I am so angry” or “I am so scared” or “I am so tired” or “I am so bored.” This often frees the emotional wave to rise up so that you can be fully present with it.

Try to refrain from replaying events or conversations in your head or analyzing what triggered the pain. This will either retrigger old emotions or act as a distraction from really observing the pain that needs to be released. All pain is the same in its purest form. It is an emotional wound. Simply be a loving presence for the pain as it rises and falls, knowing you are held securely in the presence of God/Love. Often you will know the wave has passed when tears flow or you experience an unexplainable sense of peace.

The Thorn and the Wall

It is important to note that a triggered emotion is almost never about the actual trigger. Michael A. Singer, in his book Untethered Soul, has a wonderful chapter entitled “Removing Your Inner Thorn.” When you are emotionally triggered, it is as if you have a thorn in your arm and you brush up against a wall. It is not the wall that causes the pain, but the thorn. Focusing on the wall is a distraction from the thorn, which is what truly needs your attention in order to be removed. The trigger (outer circumstance) that brushes up against your thorn (true pain), however, is a blessing in disguise. It brings attention to your wound and allows you to tend to it. If you view triggers as valuable teachers, great healing can occur. For example, instead of focusing on how wrong another person is—or how “so and so” said or did “this and that” and it was so “mean and inconsiderate”—look inward and see what fears were triggered in you. As the pain comes up, watch it kindly and allow yourself to be held in the embrace of the Spirit of Love who says, “Beloved, I am here for you.” Instead of viewing yourself as a victim, you are able to use offense to focus on what is within your power and to allow God to heal your wound. Since hurt people hurt people, allowing your pain to be healed puts a stop to this cycle. And one less pain-driven person walking around is a great service to the world.