Bringing Up the Baby

Crying

Crying is the only way a newborn can communicate. For months the developing child was in a warm and sheltered environment. The temperature was perfect, the food was there for the taking and the soothing background noises enveloped every move and mood. In other words life was good. If accommodations were a wee bit cramped, they were nonetheless comfortable and secure when compared with the new life they would encounter outside the womb.

Once outside the womb, sounds are too loud and unfamiliar, and there is no constant feeding tube. The stomach begins to hurt from hunger. What can the baby do except cry for help? If you are at a restaurant and your stomach is growling, but the waiter is taking his time to serve you, you feel like screaming, too.

Speaking of time. Babies arrived for millennia without the help of clocks. They simply were mot invented yet. Mothers did not look at their crying babies and say, “I just fed you, you little howling bundle, thirty-nine minutes ago.” They simply fed the child on demand. This does not mean that your little, wondrous princess is a demanding person. It means that you should give that small human being the same attention a fast-food restaurant gives you when you are plagued by hunger pangs.

Little children do not cry to exasperate or to frustrate you or drive you around the bend. They can not form intent. They simply cry out of hunger, fear, dismay or trepidation. They do not know that you are in the middle of making lasagna, nor do they want to disturb your slumber. They are just calling for your helpful presence and intervention.

If you feel your baby is intent on making your life miserable, just imagine that you are stuck in an elevator. How long do you think you you would wait quietly for help to arrive? You would surely pound on the door screaming for help. If you heard nothing, and no one came to your aid you would probably scream harder and louder. After you screamed your throat raw, you might become quiet and get that sinking feeling of abandonment. It is the same for babies! They, too become quiet if no help arrives. That devastating feeling of being unattended or even forsaken must be crushing and overwhelming. It must be distressing to a small baby who can not yet interpret its surroundings and has been in a secure and protected environment for nine months.

During my lifetime many a hypothesis or newfangled idea has taken hold. One idea was that formula was better than breast milk simply because the amount consumed could be determined with ease. Along with this idea came the belief that babies should be on a strict timetable for feeding. When I was young, I remember our ultramodern family doctor who was way ahead of his time and subscribed to the new and supposedly avant-garde notion of letting babies suffer and cry until the correct time for their feeding arrived. The baby’s nanny, a friend of our family, used to sneak into the infant’s bedroom to console the child, despite strict orders not to do so. Alongside this view flourished the theory that crying was healthy. Purportedly it developed strong lungs. Have you ever tried to scream for five minutes and felt it invigorating to your lungs? You would probably get a sore throat and quit.

It is a well known fact that ignored children learn not to cry. However what do they learn? They might learn that the world is a hostile unwelcoming place. Reports have found that prolonged crying is wasted developmental energy that could be put to better use for brain growth and other bodily developments.

Imagine all the connection of synapses in the brain being made that correspond to feeling abandoned or helpless? Children utterly depend on us when they are small. Our responsiveness, selflessness, and sensitivity to their needs are rewarded by their unconditional love and trust, as Honore de Balzac observed a long time ago.