I’ll Have Mine Straight Up
Still Counting My Blessings Every Day
by
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I’LL HAVE MINE STRAIGHT UP
Yes, that’s when it all spiraled down to the bottom—when I switched from many (many) beers in a row, to gin—straight up. Hidden everywhere and then hidden in plain sight. In my water bottle with me wherever I was. Around the clock. All the time. Straight up.
I knew I had to stop, or while driving I would kill myself or somebody else. But at that point, I could not stop. My body wouldn’t let me. So I continued a while longer.
I woke up from a blackout at 3:30 pm sitting on the futon in my office looking down at the faces of my two dogs staring at me. Had I fed them? Had they been out today? Had I driven? What had I done?
Panic.
I HAD to be finished. At that very moment I knew I was finished drinking.
That’s when I looked straight up and uttered the words,
“Help me, God.”
And He did. The very moment I surrendered, He lifted my obsession.
I haven’t had a drink since that day in July 2004—one day at a time. My husband has crafted a little number for each of my days of sobriety starting with day one. I carry it in my pocket like a jewel. Every day.
Now I have my life straight up!
“...I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10b NIV
__________COMING HOME
It was my first meeting ever.
A dingy room downtown, filled with lively and chatty people. I was shaking madly. Not from nervousness, but from withdrawal.
My friend, Dan, leaned over to me and whispered that I didn’t need to announce myself when they asked for newcomers. But when they did, I jumped up automatically and said loud and clear, as though I had been preparing to do that for years,
“Hi, I’m Heidi, and I’m an alcoholic.”
Dan broke out laughing. At the time I didn’t understand why. Later, I would understand how hard it was to say those words out loud the first time. Not for me at that moment.
The freedom and relief in that moment was overwhelming—plus the room erupted in applause like I had just sunk a 30-foot putt!
Actually, I had.
Figuratively, I had been trying to line that putt up for years. Without God blowing it in on the final two inches when the roll started to slow down, I never would have made it into the cup—or OUT of my cups, as they say.
I was ready. I had carried the weight of it long enough.
I was home.
“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
James 5:16 NIV
__________DENIAL—NOT JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT
A friend and fellow alcoholic died of this disease—overdosing on alcohol.
One day I read her obituary in the paper. She might have been one of the most extreme cases of denial I have ever encountered. She never did get this simple program of recovery. My heart broke for her many times. Once she arrived at a meeting wearing two different flip-flops—one of her husband’s on one foot and one of hers on the other. I offered to drive her home because she was clearly unable to drive. She refused and survived one more drunk drive across town only to die alone in her bed from an overdose soon after.
Even her obituary screamed denial as it described her “beautiful” life with a husband she had long since divorced. It told of her standing in the community, how successful she had been and how many people respected her—describing her life of twenty years ago.
No mention of her current husband. No mention of her struggle. No mention of the disease that was trying to kill her—and eventually did. Nothing of the last six years of complete isolation, constant drinking with her husband of four years, two rehabs and many hospitalizations, even a year in county jail—coming to meetings only when she was so desperate she didn’t know what else to do, looking for the magic bullet.
Such a sad obit. And such a description of this disease and the lives of the people we touch in our spiritual malady. We drag them into our denial and hook them into believing our story—our intricate lies woven together.
The lies keep the disease in place.
The truth brings us into the light and frees us.
1. We begin by weaving the truths together one day at a time to make up the right story. The one God meant for us all along—His plan that we derailed by looking away from Him and putting the focus back on us to write the wrong narrative for our lives.
2. We don’t drink. We show up sober. We tell the truth. We connect with others. We trust God for the outcome. Simple program, but not easy.
3. We give up control of our own plans and turn it over to the One who has all power—GOD.
May you find him now.
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32 NIV
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About the Book
ELEVEN YEARS
Shhhhh! Enough on the years. I am not collecting years, just days. 4017 days on my sobriety birthday, July 12, 2015.
Last time I checked, we are all on the same day—
Today.
This year leading up to my sobriety birthday in July looked strangely like the six months leading up to the day I stopped drinking. From January to July in 2004, I was not sober much of the time.
We received the news this year that my husband had a rare form of thyroid cancer requiring surgery and two types of radiation. During that same time, my mother died suddenly of a heart attack. I went through the loss of several other friends and their memorials tightly packed together right after my mom’s death—then recently, my only niece’s death.
The difference?
I didn’t drink through any of what has happened this year.
There is nothing in this life that we can experience that a drink won’t make worse.
Walking through the emotions of it all is hard. People said I would “feel better” when I got sober.
Yes, I am feeling my feelings better because I am present. Stuffing the feelings by drinking was keeping me in denial and stuck. I “feel” better because I am not checking out. Feelings are not facts. The feelings pass. Growth happens. I can move on and live.
Now, I am living all of this life straight up!
You can too. I pray that for you.
About the Author
“My name is Heidi. I am an alcoholic in recovery.”
That is how I introduce myself now. Although I don’t drink anymore, the disease of addiction needs to be addressed and treated daily with a commitment to telling the truth and staying connected to God and to others like myself. Writing these books began as a strong call from God to write them to help others. These are simple realizations coupled with my photography and meant for alcoholics and addicts to identify with and to relate to, thoughts to read and for them to consider and to know that they are not alone on this road to recovery.
These books are fifteen-minute reads—fifteen thoughts, fifteen photos. I realized in my own early recovery that this was the short information-receiving window I had! As a transformed woman with 4,378 days of sobriety (12 years), I know that I could not do this without God. Period. I would not bet on anyone staying sober without getting the concept of surrender to God.
I am forever grateful for God speaking through me with these simple reads. People have told me they have given these books to someone who was “thinking” about getting sober but could not do it before this. They have come back to me and told me about the miracles of these gentle messages being received by their loved ones and them deciding to get sober.
My husband, Dick, and I live on the coast of California in a sweet little town called Aptos. He is a retired dentist. I have had my own graphic design business, Heath Design, serving the Silicon Valley high-tech industry for over thirty-five years. I didn’t start writing until after I got sober in 2004, three days before my fiftieth birthday. I never felt compelled to write before that. My other great joy is being a watercolor dog portrait artist. I love to capture the love shared between the dog and their owner through portraiture.
I am totally committed to God and to my sobriety. My prayer is to give back through these books what was so freely given to me.