Broken and Unashamed

Well, hello there! When reading this, picture us sitting down over a delicious plate of food (because I love food) and I’m sharing my story with you. A story that began with me being sexually abused as a child but thankfully does not end there. The story turns into a journey of being lost and then found by God. The journey God then takes me on is one of healing and wholeness. And now, God and I invite you to start your own journey.

Because I never spoke about it, I figured I was good. I no longer dwelled on what HAD happened. Instead, I placed the sexual abuse and everything associated with it in a box and buried it deep down somewhere. I then covered this box with alcohol, sex, school, and work so that it was impossible or would require a huge amount of work and effort to be opened. And trust me, I had no plan of exposing, dealing, or sharing my secret. And although I chose not to think about the abuse, the past was very much creeping its way into the present, and without me knowing affecting my future.

I, for obvious and understandable reasons, had trust issues, relationship problems, and did not believe in love. Physically I was fine. Intellectually I was top of my class Emotionally I was broken.

I was convinced that I would live the rest of my life alone. Why? Well because of the abuse I experienced, I learned to hate myself. Every time I looked into the mirror I was disgusted with what I saw. I began to believe if anyone knew what happened to me they would be disgusted as well. And well, who could ever possibly love me? I believed I was unworthy of love. But boy am I glad that I was completely wrong – I am worth loving! And so are you!

Somewhere at some time someone hurt and attempted to break you. They stole all your joy and peace leaving you in pieces. You’re lost trying desperately to find your way out with no avail. Love? What is that? Love is what betrayed you after all!

I been where you are – sitting there pretending everything was fine with a smile on my face but on the inside I was slowly dying. In fact, maybe like you, I actually considered taking my own life. And one day I almost did.

I stood at the kitchen sink, knife in hand, and heard a voice. A voice that promised me things will get better. Either I was crazy and hearing voices or God was speaking to me, reassuring me that “this [pain] shall surely pass.” And that was enough reason for me to choose to live another day. And that should be enough of a reason for you to choose to live another day as well.

I grew up in the church and was saved at a young age but did not completely surrender to God until I was a young adult. I was “lost in the pew and found myself in the world.” I was attempting to self-heal. Cover the wounds of my past by self-medicating with alcohol and bandaging my bruises with the validations of “boys.” I was searching for happiness, worth, and love in dark places.

Maybe you are searching for those things in dark places thus why you keep bumping into the wrong people, attracting the wrong men and stumbling over sex, drugs, alcohol, and lies. You’re in need of a light that will help illuminate your way out. That light is Jesus Christ! That light is what found me in my dark corner and revealed to me what love really is. That light is what healed me and made me whole. That light is what gave me a purpose and the confidence to write this book.

This book is for all those who been betrayed by love and broken by trust. This book is for all those who attempted to piece themselves together and to those who are an inch away from giving up. This book is for those who are in desperate need of a Savior.