Hello, Grace

With every passing touch, came a stronger hold on my self-destruction. I tore down my own virtue with every agreement I made to consummate a friendship I knew was not meant to be, and would never last. The pleading voice of my spirit was buried under the weight of sin and waywardness. I lost count of how many times disgust and resentment looked back at me when I dared to question what the girl in the mirror had become. I was not shameless, I just got better at hiding it. I was not flattered, nor healed by each encounter as I foolishly hoped. But I could not bring myself to completely stop. I was ignorant of how sacred my temple had once been before Blue, once when I held myself in such high regard. It was my special mark that God gave to me as a woman. The voices that now made a home in my head reminded me daily that it was I who gave it away myself, and the loss of it led to my own decay.

As the words come to address each one of these men, I am not ignorant of the circumstances of each encounter. I am rather humbled by them because God reminded me that my knowledge as a mere mortal, will always fall short of God’s own higher thoughts and ways. I believed that I had to submit to the conditions of my youth. I thought things would remain as they were. It is now looking back that I acknowledge the state of each young man. Their individual journeys, struggles, doubts, insecurities, and the substances of false truths that they too battled with, all played a part. Perhaps it was the initial gravitation to nothingness and individual degree of brokenness that brought me close to each of them. Either way, my misery sought company and theirs met mine eagerly. These are my love letters, a note of sincerity to every man whose closeness stripped me little by little of all I thought I had left to give as a woman without honor.

Dear Blue,

You were the first, the only one that truly mattered. You kicked down the door that my spirit was not yet ready to open. Perhaps I unlocked it in naivety and hoped you would open it. You were the one who took my hand and led me to what you thought was love. You did not know where we were headed or whether you really wanted to go there, but you wanted me to trust you. So I did. You were the one whose temptation took me down a path that led through darkness and right back to where you found me, right where grace kept me. You were the friend and the love that was never fully understood but welcomed. I wish you knew how to protect and cover me. You left me open and failed to cover me. You left me open when it was cold, and gave others the chance to see my nakedness and vulnerability … but I didn’t know then what I know now. I did not know that you lacked what it took to cover a flower you plucked from its tree. Your own strength was an illusion. Perhaps that’s why I gave all I had to shield your honor. You were trying to figure it out all on your own. You were not allowed to cry. You were not allowed to wear the goodness of your heart on your sleeve for all to see. You were not allowed to be the good that God placed in you. You had to be what your past made you. But I loved you. I loved what God showed me. Grace gave me the strength to cover you and uncover myself in the process. Still, you are forever loved.

To ‘The smile’

Your smile was one of the brightest I had ever seen in my life. Your smile presented you in such blinding bright lights. And blinding it truly was. I was blind to the many lies and mischief. I thought I needed that smile. Your smile was so forcefully persuasive. I remember you claimed to want to teach me since I was so new. The smile was friendlier than the man behind it. It took too long for the man behind the smile to admit that there was already another in his life. I wished your truth was revealed to me sooner. But then you knew. You knew your truth would have been enough to make me leave the smile alone and never look back. I told myself it was okay since I gave a part of me I no longer cherished.

To ‘The quiet liar’

You opened the door with flattering comments and seemingly deep insights, and I walked in. You proclaimed false truths that made you appear wise. But you were just a quiet liar. I told myself that this was me moving on from the wound that refused to heal. You didn’t have the power to hurt or disappoint me since I dared not expect anything from you. I taught myself to not expect, that I had no such place of honor to expect. But I wish I knew you were a quiet liar. I wish I knew that your words were just another door further down my path of destruction. I didn’t want your touch. I didn’t even want your closeness. My broken mind convinced me otherwise. I felt suffocated by the shame that spoke so loudly when I sat or laid beside you. I shared too much even with my clothes on. You never should have known those deeper parts of me. You never should have witnessed what was beneath. A quiet liar knew no truth, so how could you ever understand mine? I wish I turned back before I walked in the door your lies opened. But I am not blaming you. You did what I allowed you, as I did what my pain allowed me.

To ‘The one who called me beautiful’

I wanted so bad to believe you when you said you wanted something more. We were not strangers at all. I met you even before the one that knew me first. So it should have felt right when I let you peel away the layers. It should not have brought tears to my eyes. But it did. It was so painful to face what I was becoming. It was so painful to know that I could not take back the part of me I just shared yet again. I would rather lay in a cold bed than be comforted by the warmth of my miserable memories. You were delicate with your words but coarse with your touch. You quickly forgot how delicate I needed you to be. But perhaps I needed you to be yet another cold embrace I was now accustomed to. Since my heart was no longer able to feel past the pain, the momentary discomfort in your rough touch matched my inner turmoil.

To ‘The calm eyes’

You were so unpleasant. You waved dishonor in front of me and I clung to it. My lust with you gave my spirit the most gruesome battle. You were hateful and cruel. You treated me with little compassion and spoke to me like I was dirt. Your crass manner reminded me how little and insignificant I had become even in my own eyes. I believed that you said out loud all I thought of myself. Your maltreatment of what used to be my temple, glorified the conviction I now held as what was. The places, the actions, the conversations, all shadowed a dying grace within me, a shuddering flame of what used to be my light. I was glad when you said it would be the last time because the one you loved was coming back to town. Then your cold ways finally made sense. I shared too much with you. You betrayed even the slightest illusion of trust that I hoped for.

To ‘The greatest misstep’

You only feigned concern. Your sudden interest struck me. You were my greatest misstep of all, my most unforgotten disgrace.