Cherish: Create in Me a Clean Heart

Mac was crushed. He stood, devastated, in the barn. What was he doing? He was a Christian, now. He wasn’t supposed to be cursing—cow manure or no cow manure.
“What the…?” had singed the morning air with a string of other raw language. It had happened without thought, in response to a minor accident. Mac had bent over to pick up a dropped pitchfork when his glasses had slipped off his nose and splattered into a pile of fresh cow manure.
His God-blasting outburst had left Mac sick to his stomach. Phillip had no doubt heard everything. Not that Phillip had never heard Mac curse before, but Mac had tried to change since he’d come forward in church, and cursing was one of the things he had set out to conquer.
Mac wasn’t sure if Phillip knew of his recent commitment to Christ; Mac hadn’t mentioned it to him. But Mac had managed to not curse over the past few weeks. He had been pleased with himself and his progress in living a proper life. But today, the cursing had come tumbling out as if he’d never exerted an ounce of control.
Mac’s conviction wasn’t because someone had confronted him about his cursing. It was simply something he had felt was right. He had felt convicted about it ever since he had walked down the aisle of the church, and he had tried to change. But now he felt terrible. The gutter words had spewed out too effortlessly. It was as if they had been waiting for the opportunity to escape, and the minute he had let down his guard they had crashed the gate. He had failed.
Mac despised that the words had still been there. He stood holding the soiled glasses, repentant under the great beams of the barn. In anguish, he threw his head back and whispered hoarsely, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, God.”
But the weight of his transgression did not leave him.
When Mac finally joined Phillip at the feed troughs, he tried to avoid Phillip’s gaze. But Phillip asked, “Do you have a touch of something? You don’t look too good.”
Mac didn’t feel too good, but he shrugged it off. “Nah. I’m fine.”
Mac saw the raised eyebrow; he knew his countenance gave him away. Mac wondered what to say—if he should say anything. Phillip was no saint (he could be nastily grumpy), but Phillip didn’t curse; at least Mac had never heard him. Phillip went to church in Harmony, the same church Phillip’s son and Molly attended. Should he tell Phillip he was sorry for his outburst?
Mac decided he should say something. He ventured, “Phillip, I understand that you’ve been a church-goer all your life. I haven’t. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I set foot in a church, until recently.”
Phillip uttered a brief “uh-huh” to let Mac know he was listening as he spread feed.
Mac wasn’t used to talking about this kind of stuff. He exhaled before starting again.
“A couple of weeks ago I went to Andy’s church,” he said. “And at the end of the service I came down the aisle and told Andy I believed in God and Jesus, and that I wanted to join his church. I know it surprised everybody—but then, you’ve probably already heard about it.”
“I have,” said Phillip. “And it was a good decision.”
“Well, be that as it may,” Mac said, “I’m sure you just heard me swearing, and I want to apologize. I dropped my glasses in some”—Mac decided on the word ‘poop’—“and the words just flew out.”
“A cow-pie, huh?” Phillip grinned. “Don’t worry about it. Apology accepted.”
But Mac still felt the weight of it. He had cursed the God he now believed in. He asked Phillip, “How do you do it? I mean, I go to church, now, but I have trouble getting rid of stuff like the cursing. I’ve talked that way for so long that I don’t know how to change it. You just heard me! I know it’s a sin against God. And I’m also afraid that, one of these days, I’m going to say or do something that’ll get me kicked out of my son’s church!”
Phillip grew serious. “Just be yourself, Mac,” he said, with a shrug. “God hears your apology. And those church people are just like you and me. Nothing you can say isn’t something they haven’t already heard at one time or another. I’m sure they know you’re working on it.”
It wasn’t the answer Mac had hoped for. Phillip didn’t seem to have any advice on how to change. And Mac desperately wanted to change. He wondered if he was losing his newfound salvation, or if he was destined to be a second-class Christian.