Leaving Darkness

Alan leaned back after watching Karla depart again. “Man, oh man. Sweetness. So, Lowell, why are we here? You said that you wanted to talk about something. I get the feeling reminiscing about high school glory days isn’t it.”

Lowell balanced his chin on his clasped hands, elbows on the white tablecloth. “Well, I’ve been thinking about the accident.”

Lowell saw Alan’s cheerful demeanor instantly chill.

“Come on, Lowell, you’re not still hung up on us hitting the deer, are you?” This time he did not smile when Karla handed him the second Jack and Coke.

“We don’t know it was a deer.”

“Is this what this is about? I pulled enough fur out of my grill to build a doe, remember?”

Lowell shrugged his shoulders, disappointed but not surprised by Alan’s defensive reaction. “I don’t know. Maybe we hit both a deer and the guy.”

“Really? Do you remember two thumps? Come on.” Alan took an extended drink from his second Jack and Coke and turned his attention back to dissecting his calamari dish.

Lowell stayed silent as he slowly ingested two bites of the hamburger, wiping the meat’s juices from the corner of his lips while pondering what to say next, if anything at all.

Alan did not look up. “Besides, that was like a decade ago. No one even knew what happened to that guy. He’s probably fine.”

“He is. I spoke with his sister.”

Alan put the bite of calamari he had raised to his mouth back on the plate and stared at Lowell. “You did what?”

“Uh huh. Couple days ago. Found her online.”

“But the paper said he had no family.”

“The paper was wrong.”

Alan resumed eating. “So he’s fine. Then we can let this all go. I appreciate you telling me.”

Lowell watched Alan chew. This solved nothing. “Don’t you feel even the slightest bit guilty?”

“Why should I?”

“We caused him pain. He spent some time rehabbing. Actually, as it turns out, he changed his life after that. He got a job and an apartment.”

Alan smirked. “So we did something good. Run with that, and move on.”

“So you admit we hit him?”

Alan not-so-gently placed the fork on his plate. “No. I don’t admit anything. I mean, if we had hit him, it doesn’t matter.”

“We should still own up to it.”

Alan took the cloth napkin from his lap, wiped his mouth with it, then placed it on the table. “Why, Lowell? Why? And risk our reputations?”

Lowell shook his head. “Nobody’s perfect . . .”

“Well, maybe not in the trucker world, and maybe that’s not a big deal for you, but my livelihood depends on it. I have to be perfect. No. Leave it in the past where it belongs.”

“That’s just it, Alan. I don’t know if I can. It’s been eating at me for years. Hasn’t it bothered you at all?”

“No, Lowell, it hasn’t. I forgot about it by halftime. You just kept bringing it up. That’s why I never wanted to hang out with you afterward. You got hooked on something we didn’t do, and frankly became a real pain about it. Well, I can see that hasn’t changed.”

The words stung Lowell. “I’m not saying we didn’t hit a deer. In fact they did find a deer that was hit on Finkbine that afternoon.”

Alan stared at Lowell. “Then why can’t you just run with the scenario that is most favorable to us? That’s what I’ve done. Look at where I’m at today. And you—”

“‘And me’ what?”

“Well, I didn’t think being a truck driver was on your list of wishes.”

“No, Alan, football was, and you know that. That was all I ever talked about since I was eight. Then this thing and my injury totally messed my plans.”

Alan looked beyond Lowell at other patrons, some of whom had glanced in their direction. “There’s no reason to raise your voice. Don’t get upset.”

Lowell looked directly at Alan. The man across from him was a stranger, not the same comrade in arms defending the backyard fort in sixth grade. “I am upset, Alan. I’m upset that I let this whole incident define me. I’m upset I didn’t say something when you pulled that stupid move and drove the wrong way on the shoulder to get to Finkbine. I’m upset that I didn’t see until recently just what I lost. Well, I’m ending that. I’m going to see Harland and face up to this.”

“Who’s Harland?”

“The man we may have hit. He’s a real person, you know.” Lowell picked up the remainder of his burger and then decided not to eat any more. The hunger had left him.

Alan sighed. “We lived our lives for nine years without this being an issue, and now you want to bring it back out.”

“You’re not listening to me. It may not have been an issue for you, but it has about killed me. Don’t you even care one bit about that?”

Alan placed his cloth napkin on the table next to the half-consumed calamari dish. “No, I guess I don’t.” He finished the Jack and Coke, rose, opened his wallet, and flipped three twenty-dollar bills on the table. “Here. It’s on me. Tell Karla to keep the change. Wish I could have seen you again without this coming up. Don’t contact me again.”

Lowell watched in silent disappointment as Alan left. Nothing had changed. There would be no new battle fought together. He would continue the walk alone.