Grace on the Arrow

Chapter One

Then the sons of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD, after Ehud died. And the Lord sold them into the hand of Jabin king of Canaan, who reigned in Hazor; and the commander of His army was Sisera who lived in Harosheth-hagoyim. The sons of Israel cried to the LORD; for he had nine hundred iron chariots, and he oppressed the sons of Israel for severely for twenty years.” Judges4:1-3

“You have a brain tumor,” the words paralyzed me as I sat in my doctor’s office with my husband on Thanksgiving day. My doctor, a family friend, hugged me and cried as I sat emotionless. Time seemed to stand still as words of promise flooded my mind. “How could this be? No one in my family has this. I’ve always had health challenges, but nothing life threatening. What of all the unfulfilled words of promise the Lord has given me? I haven’t yet done anything He said I would do!” That’s when it hit me, I can’t die! I can’t die because God cannot lie. With that revelation, in that moment, the diagnosis somehow made sense. All the delay somehow made sense. God didn’t tell me this was coming, but He knew. God knew this diagnosis would come, and He prepared me to hear it, rebuke it and overcome it by giving me words of promise ahead of time and out of time so that I would have hope as I was going through. All the days in the past that I felt rejected, all the days I felt overlooked, the days I longed to see the fulfillment of the promises, the days I felt I had disqualified myself in some way and prayed for things to change, God had seen and had heard my prayers. Hearing and seeing where I was and where I was going, He simply said, “I love you, you are mine.” When I cried out, “how long, LORD?” He relied quietly, “Trust me. I’m saying no for a reason.” The words of promise had tarried on purpose. Their purpose was not only to break chains as I had thought, but had been released to give hope to the chain-breaker as the character to sustain the gift, anointing and promised platform was being formed in the fire.
Even with this epiphany of the purpose and plan of God, I still had a battle in my mind to win. After the diagnosis, I had to visit a neurosurgeon. My neurosurgeon was very matter-of-fact, quite different from our family doctor who had sat and cried with us as she delivered the news of the results of the first tests. My husband was with me and held my hand as the surgeon discussed the plan of action. There would be no chemotherapy or treatment for 6 months. He wanted to see if the tumor would grow, and then afterwards discuss how to proceed with treatment. I hate waiting. To me it seemed that I was always waiting on something. I waited. And fought while I waited. For 6 months the enemy would come to whisper to me that I would die, that I wouldn’t see my children grow to adulthood, that I wouldn’t finish the ministry work I began, that someone else would have my husband’s faithful love. I had taught spiritual warfare to others and knew what to do. I knew that I needed to take the thoughts that were contrary to the word of God captive, but I couldn’t. My brain was too full of cynical thoughts and my head too full of pain. But my husband was with me. We had been married since our early twenties and he knew the words of promises that had been spoken over my life. When the battle in my mind would become intense and I would feel depression and the spirit of heaviness trying to overtake me, my husband would come to remind me of the promise. “Have you traveled to nations?” He asked. “No.” Have you seen limbs restored and blind eyes opened? Has your shadow transferred the anointing?” He continued. “No,” I would answer with a smile each time. I was drawing from his strength. “Then you can’t die. And that’s that!” I was thankful to God for placing this man in my life as my husband. My mother was also a constant encourager, even though I could see deep concern in her face. She often laid hands on me to pray for me during those 6 months. My church family also fought for me when I couldn't fight for myself. They fasted and prayed while I was eating. They fought for me like warriors.
So many fought for me. Several pastors from neighboring churches in the city gathered to pray for me. It had always been my desire, and I had tried several times, to gather the area pastors together to pray for our city a part from the annual National Day of Prayer that seemed too political to me to be impactful. Even though I was allowed by our local Ministerial Alliance to lead the National Day of Prayer for our County for a few years, I sensed that that was more that we should do. After leading a National Day of Prayer gathering one year, I walked in to a Ministerial Alliance Meeting late and discerned that I was the topic of discussion. That was confirmed when the speaker who had the floor continued to talk about how we should change the scope of the prayer so that the Alliance received credit and not any individual. I sensed that there were some who misjudged my motives and felt that I was leading the prayer, which increasingly drew more and more participants each year, to advance my own congregation. That was a painful revelation, because I love my Father, I love talking to Him in prayer and teaching others to pray and I loved my city and the churches there and had a desire to see them all...the Kingdom...advancing. Afterwards, I still desired a gathering, but the gathering never happened. Part of me felt that it was because I was a woman that they would not gather when I called and I felt the bitter sting of non-acceptance. But this time, in the greatest battle of my life, they came. And they came in numbers, in unity and in force. Even ones who were part of denominations that did not accept women in ministry came to pray. I was overwhelmed by this and felt the love of my Father encompass me as the pastors, my colleagues, along with my husband, circled around me and prayed.
After 6 months, I went for another MRI. When I went in for the results, the neurosurgeon, who had been Spock-like in the previous appointment, had a joyful but perplexed look on his face. “We have your results. We cannot find the tumor. I am releasing you. Just come back in 6 months for a check up.” I thanked him, grabbed my husband’s hand and ran out of the office. God had healed me. I felt His love. I felt encompassed by His love. I knew I’d never see that adversary again.
On the way to destiny, there will always be adversaries.