A Journey

A Journey

A journey,

A journey past a particular mindset,

Engraved with a pen long ago.

When did it happen? Who knows?

I certainly don’t, and I never saw it coming.

What causes me to feel less - Incapable?

Why do I sometimes feel like my best isn’t good enough—even if others say I’ve exceeded their expectations?

Often, my silent, inner question, posed to them in secret is,

“Then what, exactly, were your expectations?”

Imagining that they didn’t think I could do it anyway,

As a means to keep the mantle of my not being good enough, anyway.

Because if they knew, what I know, in my mind,

The fact that, that was okay—still isn’t good enough.

Why isn’t it good enough? Why isn’t my best good enough for me?

Why can’t I see what others see, or accept a compliment?

Is it because I don’t think I’m good enough, that I don’t think I am worthy?

A journey,

I look back, and I am seeing a picture of me that I’ve never longed to see.

I am realizing that I am not the self-assured person I’ve been pretending to be.

A lack of fulfillment has taken a grasp onto me,

And I realize it is because whatever I do, does not seem good enough—if only to me…

Why, isn’t’ it good enough? What am I measuring myself against?

Is it too impossible that I can’t achieve it?

My journey starts anew,

With the realization that a gift given to me can’t be escaped.

I never feel good enough, because I know that a part of me fears the purpose living in me. I was created for it, yet I fear that the realization of it will make others see or think…

She’s not quite good enough.

But in this journey, I have now come to really embrace a release.

A release in that it is okay for me to not be good enough in my own feeble hands.

But in God’s hand, I stand corrected.

In God’s hands, my frailties are consumed in His ability.

His love consumes me and provides the lift, the assurance, the “you can do it”,

To bolster me past my biggest hindrance, me.

My journey is not based on what I can do, or what lies beneath the wonderings of a mind that was fed by an enemy.

My journey is not walked alone and is not based on how perfect I am in myself,

But it is strengthened by God’s love perfecting whatever He has called me to do.

My journey has begun anew.

Loving this Imperfect Soul

In my frailties, I call out to You.

I know it’s my actions that make you feel far removed from me;

My choices that I knowingly made have me feeling unworthy.

How can you smile upon a face as tainted as mine?

Loving this imperfect soul—

That yearns for perfection, but sometimes casts off restraints,

That sometimes takes on the selfish man and

Goes by the wayside just to appease self.

It befuddles this mortal mind; overwhelmed by the capacity of your love.

The breadth and depth of your love, your grace, and your mercy,

That Your love is so vast, Your grace so great, as to forgive my sins, my iniquities as no more,

As you search my heart and see the sincerity that underlies the words spoken as,

"Please forgive me" and "I'm sorry" and "I turn away from IT and turn towards You",

As I walk it out, putting actions to my words.

The mortal man does not naturally become so forgiving;

The mortal man would lean towards letting the hurt propelled against him have a greater weight.

This mortal man is working on it...daily.

But bless Your most Holy name, that You love this imperfect soul,

That you love me so much that You forgive all my iniquities and

You redeem my life from destruction,

With no condemnation.

Loving this imperfect soul for You is like a constant desire for relationship,

And for it to be in that perpetually restored state.

You, the Crowner of lovingkindness and tender mercies,

See past my imperfections to the heart that clings to You and pursues You beyond past and future imperfections,

And seeks a cleansing and right walk constantly towards Your perfection.

It is a walk to perfection; perfection is the goal.

It defines the light shining brightly at the end of the tunnel.

It is the warmth to combat the cold,

And the loneliness that seeks to clothe those that feel far removed from Your touch,

So that although at times perfection for this imperfect soul seems so unattainable due to the weakness of this flesh,

I still bless Your name because by Your grace, mercy, forgiveness and Your strength, I am able to continue in this walk,

And I am guided and protected by Your ever-present arms around me, loving me and holding me, and always picking me up before I fall.