The God Chair
One Thousand Days of Pain with Purpose
by
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Chapter 4
AS THE CEILING FAN TURNS
"How long, O Lord?
Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide Your face from me?"
Psalm 13:1 (ESV)
Most mornings I dragged my weary body out of bed, clawing my way up to zero. Focusing on taking each breath was weighing me down, and my fatigue was getting the best of me. Feeling so exhausted all day made me yearn to get in bed long before dark, even if I could not go to sleep quickly.
I glanced at my watch often after supper. Is it too early to stretch out? This was my silent thought as I looked at my watch every 30 minutes, starting about 6:00 each evening. I realized that sleeping was an escape mechanism but did not care. I just wanted to forget how difficult it was to live in my skin. Sleeping provided a brief respite from my debilitating existence of being desperate to breathe.
In addition, never being a napper made the weekends difficult. At least I could get in bed, watch a 1940's movie and attempt to forget my health struggles. I could get lost in another drama other than my own. However, that wasn’t the worst part. I dreaded waking up every night around 1 a.m. and staying awake for several horrendously slow hours.
I would glance at the clock on my nightstand and want to cry...if I cried. If these walls could talk, oh the pain they would tell…
“I need to cry but need to breathe even more,” I grumbled.
What was God thinking? Not again. Not another night of misery. I screamed silently, so as not to awaken my light-sleeping husband. Both of us do not need to be miserable.
As the ceiling fan turned slowly, I lay on my back and had a variety of conversations with God. My tone did not surprise Him. After all, He had heard my distress often. So, once again I started our conversation with more of the same.
• What is the point of this, Lord?
• I know Your plan is to teach me, but what am I to learn?
• Can’t I have one night of not waking up?
• You know full well that I have a speaking engagement tomorrow. I need to rest.
• It seems cruel to keep me awake for hours, but every night is a bit extreme.
• I am miserable all day. Can I not have peace during the night?
As the fan turned, my thoughts swirled. And when I dared look at the clock, only 15 minutes had passed. I snapped my head back in frustration with each quarter hour increment. The fan was still turning on the ceiling while I was still tossing in the bed.
Would someone pluck me off the ceiling? I’m holding onto one fan blade by the hair of my chinny chin chin. Wanting to catch my breath, I realized that this was my issue. I had shallow breathing that would not give me a break, and it was no way to exist.
I would think of Bible verses like, "How long, O Lord, how long?" but my favorite Bible verse during this painful process became, "Seriously, Lord?" (my loose translation). My prayers hit the ceiling as well as the fan. Or so it seemed.
Why can't I cry? If I were a crier, I surely would be crying. Instead, I stewed in my pity pot and stared once again at the fan blades. When will this nightmare end? Still watching it turn. Still watching it. Still watching. Still.
Why does the fan never stop? Or my frustration?
Finally, about 5:00a.m. I would drift off to sleep. Arguing with the Lord exhausted me, and I needed to save what little energy I had for breathing…shallow though it was.
Next thing I knew, I heard my husband turning on the shower and the radio. The clock read 6:30 a.m. Not again. This not-going-away suffering seemed overpowering.
I had to begin another day. In addition, that speaking engagement was this morning. The night of torment had already worn me out. Surely one morning I will wake up to find that this has all been a nightmare and that I am normal Ann once more.
How long, O Lord? I resentfully mumbled part of Psalm 13 as I threw back the covers in disgust, crawling out of bed. I was ready to drop and the day had just begun.
This was not for the faint of heart. My lack of breath was all-consuming. I wish I could cry.
God Chair Journal Entry
Sovereign Lord,
I don't have any energy left today. I’m certain You can tell.
Ann, just sit and rest with Me. Sometimes words aren’t needed. Remember that when you are weak, I am strong. In fact, you are at your best when you are dependent on Me for everything, even your breath.
Thank you for being my
• Wonderful Counselor
(And leading my path to godly, earthly counselors)
• Mighty God
(Yes, Jesus loves me...I am weak but You are strong)
• Prince of Peace
(You are my "Peace Provider")
Thank you, Lord, for sitting here with me and just allowing your little girl to "rest in YOU."
Ann,
I make you whole by filling the hole in your heart.
W-When
H-Heaven
O-opens my heart with a deep
L-longing for
E-eternity with God
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Book Details
About the Book
Pain is painted on the canvas of our lives in a myriad of forms. But how can there be purpose through pain and lessons to be learned? In a deeply spiritual presentation, Ann Beckham Gainey details her incredible experiences as a simple medical procedure triggered a years-long jumbled journey through pain to purpose. While revealing her prayers, conversations with God, and applicable scriptures, Ann leads others down an inspirational path where the Lord revealed himself in unexpected ways to her open heart, even as she hung on for dear life when the deceiver of her soul relentlessly nipped at her heels and tempted her to give up. Through it all, Ann provides hope to each one of us that, with the Lord’s help, we can not only survive difficult times, but also emerge as a deeply spiritual child of God, strong in faith and purpose. The God Chair shares the inspirational true story of one woman’s journey from the darkness of pain and frustration into the light of re-creation, healing, blessings, and ultimately, her purpose. …Ann’s … heart for hurting people adds an extraordinary grace that will touch your heart and give you hope. —Jentezen Franklin, New York Times bestselling author and pastor When I first met Ann Gainey I was so impressed by her energy that I nicknamed her “fireball Ann.” You, or someone you know, will be blessed and encouraged by her testimony. —Cal Thomas, Syndicated Columnist
About the Author
Ann Beckham Gainey taught in public and Christian schools after earning a bachelor of arts in education from Erskine College and a master of education from Clemson University. Ann re-fired, her word for retired, after serving for twenty-five years as the executive director of Choices Pregnancy Care Center in Gainesville, Georgia. Ann and her husband, Al, have two adult children, two grandchildren, and will soon celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary.