Moving Beyond Fear to Gratitude

We all have something we would prefer to keep to ourselves. Over the years, for me it was my battle with anxiety and worry. I didn’t want friends—and especially my church family—to know that I didn’t have it together as much as I was sometimes given credit for—that my faith was not where it needed to be. Despite having what I believed was a close relationship with God, I, nevertheless, often suffered greatly with anxiety and worry. I knew that what we constantly think about will soon come out in our words and responses to difficult circumstances, yet I still allowed the enemy control of my mind. Through mine and Don's journey with his illness, however, I finally realized the truth that if we react to these circumstances by turning to God, He can use our pain to allow others to see His image in us. I learned that pain must not be wasted, but used instead to glorify God, as I pray this book will do. ###

Most CBD patients do not lose all their memory and usually recognize close friends and family up until the end even though they can’t call them by name. It was distressing to look at Don and wonder what he was thinking—how much was he understanding. I was concerned about his being frightened when I left, possibly wondering when and if I would come back. Did he still remember enough to know he would rather be home than at the VVCC? Was he able to pray to God to take him to his heavenly home? When he saw Kaytlynn and Kameron, could he conceive of what he was missing? Did he ever wonder what he and I might be doing if he was not trapped in his own body with this disease? My prayer: Dear God, I pray you will calm any fears Don may have. I feel there is so much he really knows.###

Fast forward a few days. On another evening, one of the assisted living residents came by in the lobby outside Don’s unit where I was feeding him dinner and was talking about where he had been stationed when he was in the Air Force. When he said he was in Vietnam, Don said, “I was too.” For me, it was a kiss from the King when Don was able to verbalize. With those types of responses, it was easy to see that Don understood much more than what people thought he did. Another example was a “request” he made of one of his favorite male CNAs, Jeremiah. Since Don couldn’t communicate, he sometimes just said, “Hey, Hey,” to get someone’s attention as he did one evening after he had been put in bed.

When Jeremiah was walking down the hall, he heard Don calling, “Hey, hey” and went into Don’s room and asked, “What you need, buddy?” Don tried several times to communicate but could not get the words out. With Jeremiah’s asking several questions, however, he soon figured it out. Don wanted Jeremiah to pray with him. After that night, and whenever Jeremiah was working, he would get down on his knees beside Don’s bed and pray with him. Jeremiah said that even though he couldn’t understand what Don was saying, the one word he could understand was, Amen. While we may not have understood what Don was praying, we know God did, and it was so reassuring to know that Don was still able to “talk” and “communicate” with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Gratitude.

It was not only through his “prayers” but also through music that Don ministered to the staff at the VVCC. I usually put a gospel CD in his player in the mornings and set it to repeat; then, I would request that his assigned CNA put Don in his room to listen to it at different times during the day, particularly if he became agitated. There were many times when CNAs would walk by his room and hear him “singing” the hymns. Because they found it comforting, some said they would even turn his music on just to hear it when they were dressing or changing Don or his roommate. It’s amazing how God uses his children no matter their physical or mental condition to minister to others. What an awesome God.