Grief & Restoration

Grief is painful, but at the same time a necessary tool to get through the transitions of life. In this sense, grief is helpful and healthy. “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4, NIV). Ignoring to grieve our losses negatively affects our lives emotionally, physically and spiritually. If you just lost a loved one, you are at a painful and possibly a lonely place. The last thing you need at the moment is someone to tell you not to worry, or “this shall pass,” or “don’t cry,” or “I understand.” Just as God created us unique, each loss we experience is unique and cannot be compared to another’s. Our relationships are also unique. Hence, every loss is significant to the person who is grieving it. They cannot be compared, and their values cannot be measured by anyone except the person who’s experiencing it. Losing a loved one is tragic. It hurts, whether due to premature death, illness or trauma. While you are currently grieving a recent loss, you may realize you have not grieved other past losses in your life. As a result, these may compile their effects on the current loss and intensify your pain experience. You may have not allowed yourself the time to grieve the loss of a person who was close to you (husband, wife, child, parent, sibling, friend) or for the loss of something significant to you (job, health, divorce, house, country, immigration). You may have avoided grieving, either because it was too painful at the time, or you have chosen to stay in the denial stage. Or, you may have recently lost a loved one and you are in a shock stage. You may be living in the present physically, but not mentally as you are still in the past. You catch yourself frequently checking out while listening to conversations with friends or relatives. You are not able to focus. You are irritable, “short-fused.” You snap at people who generally mean well or are trying to help you. You may be coping by keeping busy with work for long hours, numb the emotional pain with alcohol or seek temporary pleasures through other addictive and or destructive behaviors. Perhaps you are questioning your faith at this time and the existence of God… Grieving your loss in a timely manner is important. Joining a grief group, forming one with family, friends or other mourners in your circle, or even taking the time to yourself with the aid of a workbook such as this can help you significantly in your grief journey. If you are meeting weekly with a group, this chapter gives you permission to tell about what happened. The incident that changed your life forever. Who died? What was your relationship to him or her? How close were you to each other? If divorced, how long were you married? How about the children? Grief is a non-linear process. It comes in waves. The feelings we experience can change from one moment to the other. They can be any or a mix of the following: Numbness, fear, anxiety, overwhelm, hate, anger, confusion, guilt, lack of concentration, indecisiveness, helplessness and loneliness. In addition, feeling irritable or resentful around people is also common at this time. Our coping responses may range from screaming to crying, blaming, to lack of interest, to driving wildly, going on shopping sprees, or putting up walls in relationships, to drugs and/or alcohol. The most well-known “stages of grief” model comes from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s work On Death and Dying. The grief stages she proposed include: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. We can never replace our loved ones, but we can invest in new healthy connections and meaningful relationships. The acceptance stage cannot be rushed, as we must allow grief to be processed on its own pace for each griever. It is here that the griever gathers the strength to write a letter to the loved one (loss) bringing closure to the interrupted relationship. She or he then says goodbye, or “until we meet again.” Nevertheless, we experience the different stages of grief in no specific order. Although some people have identified with the above stages in the presented sequence, many more have expressed and continue to point out to out of sequence experiences. Bowlby indicated some grievers may experience only a few of the stages, others go back and forth with them, and yet others may not be aware of experiencing any of them. Consequently, they may feel confused and frustrated when they are asked to fit themselves in a particular category of stages. Furthermore, recent research suggests avoiding the use of any stages of grief; hence, circumventing to categorize grievers’ feelings, responses and behaviors. The rationale is that since every human being is created unique, their experiences of pain and suffering will also be unique. However, it is still helpful to grievers to validate what they are feeling and experiencing through some form of stages of grief, although not necessarily in a sequential order.