A Ray of Sunshine

Guilt: The fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law. Are you feeling guilty? Can you even look at yourself in the mirror? Do you feel all alone and as though your pain is just so great that you just need to quit? Do you feel like you are screaming on the inside but nothing is coming out - that no one can hear your screaming? Do you feel as though you can't even cry anymore and that you are just going through the motions without feeling any emotion at all? Do you feel like you are numb and just drifting along? And then when you can finally feel emotions, do they rage like a storm with no mercy? Well you are not alone. I can tell you that I went through every single one of those things. All those emotions - sometimes all of them at once - and then sometimes feeling so zoned out that I could not hear, think, feel, or even remember what I had done in the previous few days. I was there, but not really there. It is so hard to describe that feeling but it is one of the worst feelings there is. I could not even look at myself in the mirror because I just felt ugly, and dirty, and all I saw was filth. When I would shower, I would try so hard to wash away the dirt and the filthy feeling I had. I would scrub and scrub, wash my hair a million and ten times, but it never seemed to go away no matter how hard I would scrub and no matter how many times I would shower! Even though no one actually knew, I felt that everywhere I went everyone saw me as “that girl” - a pity case - and that they could see all the filth that I was carrying. I would cry at night wondering who would ever love me, or who would ever care for me. I was broken, and I felt worthless. Most nights I was blessed if I was able to get more than 2 hours of sleep due to the nightmares and the tormenting fear of being hurt again. All these feelings were so real and suffocating! Then there were times when I would blame myself. Could I have done something differently? What if I dressed a different way? Was this something I deserved? Why me? It must have been my fault in some way or another for my dad to do what he did, and for it to have lasted as long as it did. When I finally came out with the truth of what had been happening, the police told me over and over again that it was not my fault. They assured me that my dad was just a very sick man. Yes, that was very true, but I somehow still did not believe them. All those years of believing a lie makes it hard to just flip the switch. But let me share with you how I overcame those suffocating feelings - how I was able to flip the switch! Every night I would say "When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet.” Proverbs 3:24 (NKJV) and I would whisper something that one of my favourite Author and Speaker, Lisa Bevere, said: “Ask God to sing you a lullaby and put to sleep everything that has been awakened before its time.” And I would finish with, "God, I trust You and I know You love me." Before I knew it, I was having the most restful sleep I had in years! To this day, I can happily say that I have not had one nightmare since. I now sleep like a bear and the joke now is that I have a gift for sleeping anytime, anyhow, and anywhere! Kaleb is the one that wakes up during the night when the girls do, I don’t even notice. Then every morning, I would go right to the mirror and read something that my now mother-in-law wrote out for me. I would feel so silly but I would tell myself, “God loves you Alexia. I am loved in Heaven and I am loved on the earth. I am beautiful, for I have been made in the image and likeness of God. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God adores me. I am His treasure. I do not need a man to complete me. I am complete in Jesus. I am God's daughter and He delights in me. I am an heir of God and a joint-heir with Jesus. I am worth so MUCH! I can do anything. I have gifts, talents and abilities given to me by God and there is nothing I cannot do. Jesus loves me. And God loves me as much as He loves His own Son Jesus. Because of that truth, I am worth the very best. I love the Lord my God with ALL my heart, with ALL my soul, with ALL my mind, and with ALL my strength. And I love others as I love myself, but I do not need other people to complete me. Jesus does that for me. I am complete and content in Him." (I would recommend you copy this and make it personal to you or to write up something like this to take as your medicine every day). Little did I know that on those days when I was feeling so silly speaking all that to myself while not yet believing any part of it, I was actually speaking to my spirit. I was talking to my heart that had been broken and I was speaking life to it! One day after months of me constantly speaking this to myself every day, something awoke that had been dead in me, and a lioness came out!