What Cloud Is My Brother In?

This is a child’s story book designed to highlight common experiences related to loss and grief through the eyes of three young turtles. As the caring adult, keep the following in mind as you as you and the grieving child read together:

*Dr Alan Wolfelt says, "Any child old enough to love, is old enough to grieve".

*There are numerous people in the child's life that can-and do—offer him or her support and care (grandparents, teachers, aunts, uncles, etc.). It is important to lean on them.

* Odd numbered pages contain a discussion question or statement at the bottom of the page. These are related to a grief element that can be used to invite the child to share feelings related to his or her own experience. For example, on page 11, Grief can cause many different feelings (including sadness, fear, anger, laughter, and happiness). What feelings do you have when you think about your brother? Or on page 25, "Tell me about time when thinking about your brother made your tummy, head, or something else, hurt."

* It"s okay for adults to allow the child to see them grieve. It is important though, that the child/children be reassured that despite your grief and sadness, you are able and willing to continue to care for them and provide a safe environment. Your willingness to grieve in the presence of your child teaches them that crying, and sadness are okay, as are laughing and happiness. In our family, we call tears related to grief and loss, "love tears" and "love tears" are always okay.

*The story asks children to use their heart and their imagination to remember or connect with their brother. While using these techniques do help us to fondly remember; it may be important to acknowledge the reality that while our heart and imagination help, we know it isn't the same as having their brother here with them.

*It is perfectly okay to read through this book as you would any other book or to read a few pages and then take a break and do something fun. Your child's reaction will help dictate what is best for him or her. It may also be helpful to go back to the book for special times (holidays, birthdays, and so on) and discuss ways to honor the child's brother on these special dates.

Additionally, if you are having a difficult, grief-filled day or days, you may find you do not want to read the book or talk with your child about grief. It is important to honor your feelings during this time and it is okay to delay discussions about grief. However, if you find you are avoiding discussing this topic at all, it is essential to engage the support and help of family, friends, and/or professionals to ensure your child has the support he or she needs. Your child's grief experience at a young age, and the support he or she receives in processing it, can affect how he or she reacts and responds to future life events.

There are two important general issues to address in relation to death and grief. In talking with your child about dying, it is important to choose words carefully. If the child's brother died following an illness, you might say something like this, "He got very sick, and went to the hospital, where his body quit working right." Explain this was a different kind of "sick" than when we get a cold or flu, so the child isn't fearful if one of you becomes ill. Avoid using phrases, such as, "He just went to sleep" when describing death, as the child might become afraid to fall sleep, or for you to go to sleep. The discussion and your word choices will depend on what feels right to you and how the child is reacting to what is being said.

Children go through many developmental changes from the time they are born until they leave home. The age related, developmental stage a child is at when they experience the death of a loved one, impacts how the child copes. For specific guidance related to your child, speak with their teacher, pediatrician, or a hospice, school, or child counselor. Young children, in general, do not have the ability to understand the permanence of death. This makes it impossible for them to grasp the depth and intensity of grief that follows losing a loved one. Younger children often shift from asking about, "Where is my brother right now" to, "I want to go play with my friend" and then to, "When is my brother coming back?" Don't interpret their desire to do what is normal for them, as a lack of love or grief for their brother. They may ask questions ("When will he be back?") that don't make sense to you. That's because you understand the permanence of death and they don't. They are grieving in an age-appropriate manner. Additionally, older children, school age and teenagers, just want to fit in and be like everyone else. They may avoid talking about the death of their brother or in any way acknowledging having had the experience, in an outward manner. Again, this is not a lack of love or grief, simply an age-appropriate response to the uncommon experience of losing their brother at a young age. It is important to have patience and to grant them (and yourself) grace as you all navigate these unchartered waters of grief.