Out of the Enemy’s Camp

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. – Genesis 1:1-2 NLT
I was living in darkness for about 15 years of my life. The darkness felt as if I was in a prison isolation, curled up in the fetal position, scared and alone. Sure, I had family around, friends in and out of my life, school and sports that would, at times, cause me to snap into reality, but most of the time, I was on autopilot going through the motions of life, but not really living. Within the span of 5 years, I was sexually abused, my parents divorced and I was forced to leave the only community I knew, move back to Alaska with my mom and create a new life. I stood and watched as my life began to crumble around me. Bitterness and anger began to dig its talons into my heart and running became an outlet that I still find myself struggling with even today.
The downward spiral into darkness began when I was in grade school. I was betrayed by someone I trusted and it continued for about 5 years. I didn’t know what was happening was wrong, but I did know I was not supposed to say anything to anyone. It became a routine that I got used to and thought that it was normal.
Because of the door that was opened to me, I found myself to be a very sexual kid before I even knew what sex was. I would often play “house” with other kids and regularly play the role of a male. I remember when I was around the age of eight I would have sleepovers at our next door neighbor’s house and we would stay up all night making out with each other. I do not know if I fully understood what I was doing or if I was just imitating what I was taught. Either way, I was intrigued by the way I felt when making out with a girl and it left lasting impressions in my subconscious that surfaced when I was old enough to understand.
Being a male was desirable to me. I was the type of girl who grew up making mud pies, digging in the dirt for worms and worked outside with my dad with my shirt off because I wanted to be just like my dad. I remember when I was about 10 years old I was at school and we were having a routine tornado drill. Being in Arkansas, we experienced quite a few tornados during spring so my school took extra precautions in equipping the students with the knowledge of what to do in case we ever had one. As we were hunkered down against the wall with our heads tucked between our legs, reality faded away and I remember squeezing my eyes so tight and whispering to myself, “When I open my eyes, I will be a boy.” I remember being so disappointed when I opened my eyes and I was still a girl. I closed my eyes again and I begged God to make me a boy. I was a broken child desperately crying out for help.
I hated being a girl. I didn’t fit in, I did boy things such as play football during recess, had girl crushes and wore boy cloths. I was comfortable playing the boy in every situation, so I thought that for sure I was supposed to be a boy. The first label that soon spoke into my identity later on was tomboy. I have to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a tomboy, but what people did not know was that they were speaking into the false identity that the enemy whispered in my ear at birth, and that false identity was homosexual.
I never understood why I wanted to be a boy, so I figured, “Well, God made me this way.” “I was born gay.” Then one day, God revealed it to me. If I was a boy, maybe my dad would have stayed with my mom. Or if I was a boy, maybe I would fit in better. Or maybe if I was a boy, I would have never been sexually abused.
I saw that being a girl was weak, vulnerable and exposed and I hated feeling vulnerable. I did all that I could to not allow emotions such as sadness, tenderness and love come out.
I had two switches, joy and anger. Joy allowed me to appear normal and anger kept me from feeling vulnerable. So I thought that if I was a boy, I would have been strong, hidden and able to fit in. I realize now that God created me just the way I am, He did not make a mistake when I was in my mother’s womb.
“You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside and my intricate outside, and wove them all together in my mother’s womb…. You even formed every bone in my body when you created me in the secret place, carefully, skillfully shaping me from nothing to something. You saw who you created me to be before I became me! Before I’d ever seen the light of day, the number of days you planned for me were already recorded in your book.” – Psalms 139:13 &15-16 T