When Your Fairy Tale Fails

When I first found out about my husband’s sexual addiction, a cocktail of surreal confusion, panic, and pain disoriented me in a way I had never experienced. I searched the web like crazy, looking for answers as to why and what was happening to me. I remember seeing the initials bs scattered throughout so many chat rooms and blog posts. As I read the posts trying to figure out what it stood for, I finally found an article that defined it as a “betrayed spouse.” Even in my devastation and in the midst of the gut-wrenching, painstaking climb toward healthiness, I couldn’t help but snicker at the abbreviation. I hate many of the terms associated with sexual addiction, like “acting out” for example, but this one fit. I mean that in the more typical sense of the abbreviation. You don’t deserve this. You didn’t cause this. Even so, here you are, and there I was just a short time ago.

You have been hurt. As unfair as it is, it is your job to heal from that hurt; it is not your spouse’s job to fix your hurt for you. Dr. Henry Cloud explains this by saying that if someone comes up to you and breaks your legs, it is their fault, but you are still the one that has to go to the hospital, complete physical therapy, and experience the pain as the wounds heal.

When I was thrust into the role of betrayed spouse, I longed for validation as I dived into book after book trying to figure out how to navigate this trauma. I gleaned a ton of wisdom from the books that I read, but the same thing bothered me each time: As I read these books, there was a sense of detachment that I couldn’t shake. I assume it is because they were writing of time long ago and had many years of building trust and moving on between them and their great betrayal. The authors spoke so matter-of-factly. I found it hard to reconcile their lack of emotion with the great intensity of mine. Because of this, I felt compelled to write a book that could describe the intensity of emotion with raw honesty. My mission is to be completely open and honest with you about the unimaginable loss and life-giving triumph I have experienced.

Anyone who knows me will tell you I am a big nerd. Not necessarily the pocket-protector and chess-club kind, but I have an insatiable need to analyze and understand. The hows and whys of my confusion will haunt me and drive me to study and learn until I am able to reconcile the questions in my mind. With that said, I am no psychologist. I am no expert on addiction, but I have personally walked the road you are on. I have the agony of personal experience and the camaraderie of my battle buddies. My hope is that my experience can in some way help you with yours.

You have embarked on a journey of discovery. As involuntary as it may be, I hope you will fight to reclaim your identity. I would not have survived this chapter of my life had I not had the power of God within me by the indwelling of his Holy Spirit. My story, while certainly about pain, betrayal, and uncertainty, is also about finding peace, joy, and freedom. It is about my God who mended all the rips and tears of my heart. Now, those weak holes in my heart have been filled by his Spirit and are the strongest part of me. My prayer is the same for you. I pray that He will sustain you through the pain to take you to the Promised Land. This land of joy and thriving is waiting for you. It is a reality that is not dictated by your circumstances, but by the overwhelming love of your Father in Heaven.