Undertow

Chapter 1: Dreamy Darkness I could hear the wind whisper with a boisterous curl on the base of my earlobes as I swiftly ran across what was becoming a terribly busy parking lot. The weather had a bite to it. The darkness merged with the earlier-than-usual sunset as I absorbed visual cues, which signaled it was a time of transition—not just on the outside but within. Something was changing. I could hear the crispy autumn leaves tumble and feel the warmer-layered clothes but that was where my senses stopped. I was merely existing, going through the motions, getting myself through the day moment by moment. Even though I wanted the predictability of life as I knew it to remain, things were not feeling like the same old same old. I was feeling a life-changing decision looming on my horizon. I’d have three choices: get in, get out, or get run over (and none of those options made me warm and fuzzy inside). The rhythm and beat of my life was transforming. While I heard the sounds indicating such in the distance, I do not remember being fully in sync with the cadence inviting me to join. Seasons. I was never a fan of winter. For some reason, it was the time of year I got in the most trouble, which did not always translate well when Christmas is a wintertime staple and my birthday eleven days on the heels of that. November was making its annual greeting, whether I wanted to welcome it or not. Trepidation began to bubble within me. I was anticipating getting into trouble at some point, as history only repeats itself, but this year I had artillery in my back pocket to combat those forebodings. I had a lot to be excited about, but as the dark night wrapped around me this distinct evening, I was overwhelmed. I was weeks away from walking across the stage and graduating with my undergraduate degree in hospitality management. There was so much uncertainty in my mind as I sat there on the fourth row of Princeton Memorial Chapel in Northern Virginia. The night was unsettlingly somber. I had a lot of homework I needed to complete. Being more than an hour away from campus without all the materials I needed caused some anxiety but it also caused me to lean into pulling the senioritis card, saying, “It will get done when it gets done.” I was trying to focus on the meeting I was in, but my mind would not allow me. Like many who sit in church at some point in their lives, I was distracted when my compartmentalized mental anguish, which found this inconvenient time to show itself, came to the surface, unraveling an intersectional, sidetracking brain dump. I was trying to think about my future, plotting how and if I would be able to get back to campus that the same evening with a late-night ride down the interstate and then figure out what the game plan would be about that homework. Oh, and what was I going to eat? I was in town by convenience, but I do not think my placement at this church service was a coincidence. Hours earlier, I concluded handling business dealings for my professional future. While I should have been excited about what was to come, there seemed to be no joy beaming from my soul, and I could not pinpoint the reason(s) why. I should have been elated to be a graduating senior and pursuing my dream job, but for some reason, there was not a firework to ignite. I mean not a one. I secured a rental car to make the trip as I did not own my own vehicle at the time. Plus, rentals were always fun because it was like car shopping without having to buy. I tried all sorts of makes and models in my rental history, and that weekend I was booked in a gray European sedan. It had a black-leather interior, and I felt super cool riding around in it. I mean what do you expect a not-so-rich college student to say with no set of wheels of his own? Your boy was stylin’ and profilin’ … but nonetheless in the dark. I kinda skipped school to get a security credential for a job I had accepted just the month prior. And I say kinda because I did give notice to my professors that I would not be in class, but it was certainly no asking for permission or dropping a kind FYI in my correspondence—I had a different approach. This is what I am doing. Thank you in advance for your support (or lack thereof). See ya in the next lecture. A bit brash and bold but not disingenuous to who I was that day. That was how I operated and navigated through life: This is my plan, get onboard with it or I will never see you. I was frustrated with my university because there was more than one challenge after another for me. I’ll spare you the laundry list, but the fact that I was weeks away from attaining an earned degree was a miracle in itself. Months prior, in late August, I was on the verge of dropping out and walking away from it all, and this was not my first choice. Would you believe me if I told you I had voices encouraging me to do it too? No, I was not going to leave college nine weeks before graduation because I had a genius, groundbreaking business idea, which could be the potential solution to a massive worldwide problem. I was Black kid from an urban area attending a predominantly White institution who simply did not have the money to make it to the finish line. Oh, you want to know more? Keep flipping forward, and let’s scenically coast through the entire story because this is only the beginning. ♫ I fell asleep within an autumn flow I never knew I’d drift so far from home While I was wading in the undertow. ♫ —Nick Kingswell “Undertow”