Building A Firm Foundation

Webster defines emotions as “the affective aspect of consciousness-feeling; a psychic and physical reaction subjectively experienced as strong feeling and physiologically involving changes that prepare the body for immediate vigorous action.”

Emotions are subjectively experienced and may result in overt objective consequent behavior. Emotions may be merely felt, or they may be acted upon in our personal lives. A young man may say to his fiancee, “I love you” and sense within himself that warm attendant sensation in his stomach and chest. Or, he may take these emotions the next step and kiss her tenderly and softly.

Emotions can run from one end of the descriptive continuum to the other; from very positive to very negative. Some positive emotions are joy, excitement, anticipation, love. Some negative emotions are depression, rejection, fear, anxiety, loneliness, disappointment, sorrow and anger.

One of the most exciting (an emotion) challenges of your marriage will be to identify and understand the emotions that your partner is experiencing. If your partner had a neon sign across his chest that flashed the descriptive word for the emotion he was currently experiencing, it would be a great help. But, that does not happen! Instead, the way that he responds may indicate any number of possible emotions. One of your tasks in marriage will be to understand what your partner is feeling, his/her emotions, and then respond appropriately.

Within themselves, many emotions are neither right nor wrong. They are merely an indication of what is happening in the person. They are like a thermostat that measures the amount of heat. The thermostat does not cause the heat or affect it in any direction but only measures its presence. Emotions function similarly in conjunction with the person’s inner being.

It is very important to understand that emotions are God-given. When God made Adam, He built into the person of this new creation a variety of different emotions. God had said “let us make man in our image, in our likeness . . .” . That does not mean that God has physical attributes like mankind does. Instead, it means that man has personality, just as God has personality.

A variety of definitions could be given to describe personality. Personality was at one time described as consisting of knowledge, emotion, and will. A more complete description includes life, purpose, freedom, intelligence, activity, self-consciousness, spirituality and emotion.

God has all of these characteristics of personhood, including emotions. God is jealous (Deut. 5:9), grieved (Judges 10:16), compassionate (Psalm 103:13), joyous (Isaiah 62:5), loving (Jeremiah 31:3) and angry (Romans 1:18). Since God is absolutely pure and holy, there is no sin in any of these emotional components of God’s nature.

Because man is made in the image of God, part of that image is his emotional makeup. By the creative act of God, man was shaped, formed, and placed on this earth with emotions. God’s evaluation of mankind’s creation was, “it was very good.”

When mankind disobeyed God in the Garden of Eden, a new component came onto the scene: sin. What was previously pure and holy was now distorted by the ugliness of sin, and that includes mankind’s emotions. This does not mean that man’s emotions are sinful and should be avoided. Instead, it means that even at their very best and purest form, they still fall short of God’s standard of perfection. Man will never be able to express his emotions at their purest level until he is in heaven. Until then, man’s sinful nature will constantly effect the possession and expression of his emotions.

In your marriage there will be joys, depressions, excitement, anger, fears, tensions and many other emotions that each of you will individually face. Some of these will be shared with one another, and some of these will be faced alone. Part of the task in marriage is not to conform your partner’s emotions to your own but instead to understand them. Only then can you help your partner respond in a godly, obedient way.

Anger

While a wide spectrum of emotions impact interpersonal relationships both positively and negatively, the one that generally causes the most difficulty is anger. One partner may describe what they are feeling as a small difficulty, a little tension, some frustration, but what is really present is anger.

There are many ways that anger can be described. The simplest definition of anger is “an emotional reaction of extreme displeasure.” This emotional reaction often interferes in the communication process between the two partners.

Some of the anger that people experience is good, some bad. Some justified, some unjustified. There are a number of ways in which people traditionally respond to the presence of anger in their lives:

1. They “blow off steam.” They open their mouths and virtually exercise no control over what is said.

2. They delude themselves. They say, “I am not angry;” while all the while sitting there with teeth gritting and fists clenched.

3. They fire “zingers”. Here they concentrate on saying caustic comments to their partner.

4. They shift the blame. They refuse to acknowledge any personal complicity in what has occurred. It is all the other person’s fault.

5. They become mute. They will not talk about it but instead prefer to keep it “bottled up” inside of themselves.

These methods of resolving anger have the same end result: the anger is not corrected but instead becomes more entrenched. It is like a splinter of wood that has gotten into your hand. Unless it is removed, it will fester and the wound will become much more serious.

At different times God was angry with mankind, and since God is holy and sinless then his anger must have been justified. Since God’s anger is always correct, then there must be times when our anger is also correct, justifiable. One of the major dilemmas for us as Christians is determining when our anger is justifiable. How can we know when it is OK to feel this way? Anger is justifiable when it is directed against sin and its results. We should be angry about pornography, child abuse, abortion, adultery and many other things that are clearly the open operation of sin in this world. God is angry at these things, and we also should have a righteous anger toward them.

There is also an anger that comes when our plans are frustrated or when we are treated insensitively. At times the anger we experience resulting from these circumstances is also justifiable. As a general rule, if the anger we are experiencing does not fall into the above categories, then we can be fairly certain that it is not justifiable.

How is the believer to respond to anger? How can you biblically handle this intense emotion in your personal life and relationships? God has not left you without direction in this matter but has provided a standard for evaluation and steps for resolution. The Bible speaks directly to this matter in several passages:

“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it leads only to evil” (Psalm 37:8).

“A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated” (Proverbs 14:17).

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25).