Living Within the Confinements of Lupus

Throughout my emotional overdrive I was overwhelmed with days filled with mixed emotions. These emotions gave me the right to say whatever was on my mind. It was never my intention to harm anyone, especially God. Those emotions were driving me, pulling me in all the wrong direction. There is no way of seeing things correctly. How could I, wounded deep from within my soul. This rage had a grip on me. Hear me, anger within me enraged so much I was furious at God. There was no reasoning, I believe God did this horrible, terrible, outrageous, unbelievable thing. My heart was saying how could God do these to me. Every time I thought about God doing this, the more anger grew. It shifts to an unpleasant attitude. Yes, it got the best of me. My words turned against God, and found myself not caring anymore. How could God let me down like this? What made God think this would be okay? Kept thinking God has some kind of nerve here? Doesn't he know this is going to destroy me? What is He thinking, this me? I can’t figure this out, what is the purpose, the reason God would treat me like this? I am already hurting, but to add more on me, that’s not fair, at all. My mind was racing, I needed to figure this out. Maybe he will step in just waiting for me, or maybe I did something but I don’t know what it was. My heart knew better, but my mind refused to let me see it differently. I thought God would try to completely put an end to it, then all of a sudden I realized it wasn’t going to stop. God had made his final decision in this matter. The rage grew, no matter how hard I tried, the feeling refused to turn me loose.
Lord, knows I try not to take it to that level of being mean. My emotions were out of control. There was no turning back; words released out of my mouth were hurtful. At this point, I could no longer hold anything in, so I let it all out. My tone with God was harsh. I had to give him a piece of my mind. I tried my best not to be hateful, but the anger grew and grew. I could feel the anger building up within me; it was too strong. I heard a voice saying, no, don't you do that. I open the bathroom door and let it all go. I knew who the voice was and let go anyhow. About this time I was completely fed up with God, he did it, he caused it, now he’s going to listen to me.
"How could you do me like this, betray me like this? What have I done in my life to deserve this? What have I ever done, unto you LORD, I thought you love me? There is no kind of love here. NO LORD!, You don't deserve my praise; you are not my father anymore. There is no trust here when you know how I feel and view things. Why would you do this? Why would you wait for me to fall in love with you and then this? I thought I finally had what I needed; you take it away, Lord. I've given you my heart and soul, and this is how you repay me, this is how you treat me! This is how you value me; no GOD, you tell me how I'm supposed to go through this ordeal. "You have truly hurted my heart, do you understand? I can trust you or rely on you anymore. What have you done unto me? I have nothing anymore! I am dying, Lord; I'm dying, do you care? Do you realize I won't be here for my son; suddenly, I heard I gave up my son. In my mind, saying it's not about you, it's about me, but yet somehow my heart did go out to God because of what he said. Suddenly, I went back and said, my son God, it's not fair, not fair at all. I will not see him growing up, seeing him marching across the stage to graduate, or see his family. You tell me what do I have to live for now, what!
You know what, LORD, you are big and bad! You come on now! Come on, and take me now. You, God, come on and take me right now! Come on from off your throne and take me, here I am, Lord! Come on! You come on; you're the God all-powerful and all-knowing; you're going to take me out anyway. Come on here from your throne! I don't fear you, and I am not scared of you. Do you think I want to live like this, Lord? I am not playing; come on here. There is no hope; all I have left is pain and sorrow, no love, no joy, and certainly no forgiveness. I am sick of you. I am sick and tired of you. You know what, God, you can leave me alone, leave me the hell alone and you can go there as well. I don't want you, nor do I need you. You get out of my life. Get out of my life now! ! You go, after what you did, I feel like you turn your back on me. You caused this terrible ordeal, and YOU then even stopped it from happening. You could have blinked an eye, one eye, Lord, but you didn't! You stood by and watched! No father in their right mind would have ever done their child as you have done me. No, Father Lord, but you did. So, guess what love doesn't live here anymore. How can I accept what I didn't appreciate! In my mind and heart, God did me wrong. He broke my heart! I was justified in my action toward God.