Undeserved

My first major step towards accepting the grace of God was learning to forgive myself. Though I had trouble bringing my sin into the open at first, it became easier as the years went on. Even as people began to acknowledge and forgive me, I couldn’t bring myself to forgive my own actions. I created this vicious cycle that made me continue to sin, repent, tell others, feel good for a little bit, and sin again. It was like I was in the middle of this staring contest against grace, and I couldn’t stop blinking.

The cycle continued for months and even years, but it didn’t click in my head until I was on break from working at Canyon Creek Cabinet Company back in November of 2013. I’d sit in my car on my fifteen-minute break and try my best to go through the Word as the rain gushed out of the sky. The pitter-patter of rain on my windshield was oddly calming and not as distracting as I thought. I was cold, but I didn’t care, I had my Bible in hand, trying to read as fast as I could before my break was over when I came across chapter eleven of Matthew. “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matt. 11:28-30 NIV). I was stunned. I felt like there was a sort of weight on my chest. Not a bad weight, it wasn’t anxiety; it was warming, comforting. It felt like I was under a weighted blanket. Though I couldn’t move, I didn’t mind because I was meditating on the love that I knew God has for me; that He loves me so much that He was willing to take the pain of my past mistakes.

There’s something beautiful about surrendering; the act of receiving help, especially when you know you don’t deserve it. Like myself, the issue that some Christians have, is that they’ll walk with Jesus, but they won’t move the burdens of their lives to His side. I’ve made sad attempts in the past to move forward when I have that line of thinking. It took time and prayer, but I ran from that mindset and embraced the fact that Jesus wants to help me move towards righteousness. We will inevitably buckle and fall; that is our current nature. But Jesus, in all His goodness, will always ask us if we are ready to shift the weight to His side.

This isn’t limited to single moments for me. Jesus has helped me with everything that I’ve brought to Him. It definitely isn’t limited to the addictions or my struggles with depression and anxiety. Jesus has come into all aspects of my life, all burdens, and He has never failed to assist me with them. And that speaks about who He is, a God who loves His children and wants to assist us in all things. From moments that I have cried alone in my car because my depression was causing my brain to shake violently, to nights lying alone in bed wanting to die, God has come alongside me and brought immense comfort. It’s like receiving a bear hug from someone that you know would do anything for you.