Themes in the Midst

Friday night dates; special Saturdays set aside for toy-shopping with the kids; movies at home or on-the-town; summer vacations; Thanksgiving dinners and JoAva's made-from-scratch pies; late-nights with the kids asleep; gentle nights on the front lawn at sunset; dinner table laughter: sometimes heartache, but stories every night; Church every Sunday and Sunday dinners…these moments and more are painful but wonderful memories now.

JoAva, love of my life, wife of 42 years, mother of our three, died on December 20, 2016.

“There are no rules for grieving, Mark.” These words from my pastor sustained me, carried me through unmeasured months of grief. Numberless moments of side-by-side walking with Christ, singing through head-bowed sorrow and sky-opening joy, with soul-immersed praying for words, wisdom, and answers. Reminding me of our joys and sorrows, assuring me that all is forgiven and redeemed, I walked with Jesus at my right side, His right hand reaching across and holding mine, His left hand on the small of my back guiding and supporting each faltering step and propelling me through every joy and sorrow.

In the midst of grief, I found anger, sadness, self-pity, pain numbing self-indulgence, betrayal, doubt, confusion, the temptation to give up; I found myself lost in God, lost to self, releasing guilt, embracing reflection and the hope that I will see her again. God offered redemption, visitation, and His love uncharted. God poured out sometimes extravagantly, and at times in measured doses, His mercy, compassion, forgiveness, and grace.

Dear reader, the following narrative provides the context for the poetry inspiring the title Themes in the Midst. God's presence with me through grief, confusion, a nearly inexpressible sense of loss and direction, has tossed me onto a shore where this ‘new normal’ is unrecognizable and most certainly unwelcome. I’ve learned from a loving and sovereign God, that in this ‘New Life’ mourning becomes dancing, grief becomes song, breath becomes gift, and His love shows up unexpectedly and certainly.

My prayer is that this collection of narrative, story, and poetry, will enfold those whose loss has them left alone and shattered, and invite the same into God's creative redemption. And for those who have yet to lose a dearest loved one or soulmate, that in this reading you might develop empathy for one who is living life in that space.

There are no “how to deal with grief fix-it” statements here, only the testimony of one soul stripped to the core, shouting to God, shaking my fist at Him, surrendering to God's heart, and receiving blessing drops from the Throne of our Father in surprising and unexpected ways. I hope you can join me for these moments along the journey.