Why Does Your Name Matter?

Introduction Few things move me more like seeing joy in people’s faces: that glimpse you get when you see someone change. Some of these glimpses last only moments, others a lifetime; it’s like the person seems able to breathe more deeply than before. The dinner party had moved on from the champagne and canapés when I got chatting with Graeme, the man I’d seen moving confidently amongst other guests. I’d been struck by his grace and the way that others seemed to be more alive having been with him. His eye contact during the handshake was engaging and the questions he asked me had been crafted to move beyond small talk. As in all the best dances, I took my opportunity to lead at the right moment. ‘Do you know what Graeme means?’ I asked him. ‘No, but it was the name of my father’s best friend.’ ‘He must have meant a lot to your father.’ ‘Actually, he had been a huge support to him when his father died.’ ‘Fascinating.’ ‘In what sense?’ ‘I love hearing about where names come from and how they give us insights into family.’ ‘Please, go on, William.’ ‘Your name and its giving suggest that your father treasures relationships…’ – he encouraged me to continue – ‘…and it tells me a lot about your mum, that she understood the value of supporting your father in honouring relationships. It makes sense now why you are clearly gifted in making people feel comfortable and valued; I’ve seen this gift as I’ve watched you with people this evening.’ And there it was, washing across his face: the moment where he felt seen. The initial mystification at the personal provocation had evolved into clarity and gratitude. We discovered that the name ‘Graeme’ was linked to a sense of homeliness and security which seemed to fit him well and we parted having both been moved. What compels me towards this type of conversation? Why do I feel motivated to prompt questions and stimulate thinking? Because I think many of us sleepwalk through life and sometimes we need something to happen, or someone to say something, to jolt us into a deeper engagement with our reality. You wouldn’t have picked up this book if you weren’t curious. I’m glad you are and I’m keen to get started! Writing this book has convinced me of the importance of people’s names. Not only for us as individuals as we carry them, but in the way that they reveal clues about our identity, the opportunity for others to know us and the glue to restore or strengthen intergenerational relationships. It has helped me understand the importance of my own name and the value of honouring other’s names. I believe that as you process the questions this book asks, it will enrich your life and the lives of those you know and meet. There is real value in listening to how people introduce themselves. A case in point occurred this weekend. My cousin introduced me to a friend of hers: ‘William, this is Dave.’ ‘Nice to meet you,’ I said to the man being presented. ‘I’m David,’ he said to me with a smile. This was not said as a rebuke to my cousin, I’m not sure she even heard, but more of a clarification for me. Because I was listening, I heard. It’s so easy to adapt someone’s name if you think that a name is just an arbitrary collection of letters; but then maybe that’s why you forget them. They’re not. A name is simple, but to look beyond the letters is complex, so in order to ensure we track together, I have had to build carefully. Thus, I have split the book into three parts. Part One explores the significance of names and words in general – a name matters because words matter. Words can bring life and words can bring death, in different senses. Part Two takes us deeper into the meaning and use of names, how one could draw meaning from a name and how different cultures experience the process of naming. Part Three explores the interwoven dance between the name, the named, the namer and ultimately the maker, connecting the giving and receiving of a name with identity. Right from the start it will be clear that I believe in an intentionality behind things. Living life is a responsibility and a decision. Life can happen to you, or you can live it. I remember a key phrase banded about at university that captures this perfectly: ‘Only dead fish go with the flow.’ This isn’t a ‘how to’ book, but a ‘why?’ book. Delving into names isn’t a magic trick or a new method of coaching, it’s simply connecting better, and if there’s one thing we need, it’s to connect better, to reconcile as well as ‘concile’. My sincere heart behind this book is reconciliation. Conciliation comes from the Latin conciliare, which means ‘to bring together’ and so reconciliation is ‘to restore to union and friendship after estrangement or variance’.1 This is what I believe names do and are for. Maybe the person who named you asserts that it was given to you without any deliberate process – but dig a little deeper. There is always a ‘yes’ that took place, an often unexplainable decision that was made, the results of which you then carry. Let’s explore that. Maybe you have even given a name and suddenly that name is different every time you hear it. It’s connected to a part of you. Have you shared the ‘why’ behind it with the one you named?