Opening to Grace

Prologue:

I was twenty-two years old and felt like ninety. Every day I would get out of bed not knowing if I could make it to my fourth-year university classes. Some days I would shower and by the time I finished I felt dizzy and achy, and my muscles felt like lead. On those days I would be so weak that I had to crawl on all fours back to my room to lay down again. I would get 12-14 hours of restless sleep that would leave me feeling like a truck hit me. The body aches were like having the flu, and headaches became so common I learned to tune out all but the worst pounding pain. I was really sick - and it wasn’t getting better. Months stretched on without answers.
Some days I could accomplish simple goals like writing a paper, reading for classwork, and walking to school to attend classes. But even when I did make it to class, my notes could be crazy to read because halfway through the lecture, my brain would fog over, and my hand would just slide down my page before I had to stop writing and put my head down. Great friends allowed me to borrow notes to catch things my mind missed.
I stopped playing guitar because my arm hurt when I strummed the strings. I stopped singing because my throat often hurt, and I felt too weak to exert the effort. I stopped doing a lot of things!
But as my outward world shrunk, I was determined to grow my inner world, finish school - and choose life! Eventually, I was given a diagnosis - but it held no hope for recovery. According to everything I read, this fatigue and pain were my new normal. But I felt sure that God held good plans for my future. I wasn’t ready to resign myself to a lifetime of laying on a couch. I trusted that there must be ways to help my body recover.
As I was praying one day, asking God to heal me, I got a picture in my mind of myself as a drooping flower bound tightly by weeds. A flash of understanding came with it. I felt as if God was saying, "Healing will be a slow process. As you trust me to lead you, I will show you part of the weed, loosen its hold and remove its influence."
This image became the perfect symbol for my wellness journey - bit by bit finding healing steps and feeling life and strength return. I’ve spent 30 years praying and following the nudges and illumination as I make sense of what is healthy... and where the weeds crept in that were robbing me of life. This is the story of my roots, the places of entanglement, and the movement to spacious healing places of grace.