Insights from the Inside: A Convict Looks at James

“A double minded man is unstable in all his ways,” James 1:8

I am a great example of a double minded man. Growing up, I did everything right, when people could see me. I knew the right words to say and the right activities in which to become involved. It seemed that I had the respect of nearly everyone I knew. The outside looked good. The inside was where the trouble resided. I wanted to experience all that was forbidden by God and the church.

Eventually I got what I wanted. It destroyed friendships, respect, reputation, and any credibility I had as a young man in the church. Those are all exterior results. I had destroyed myself inside as well. I was left with no reason to like myself, let alone respect myself. My self-worth was nonexistent. The only thing left was a desire for connection which I attempted to fill with hedonist experiences. The losses I mourn are the friendships of the people I respected. All of this happened because I wanted things which were sensual rather than spiritual.

I was like the people of Israel before being confronted by Elijah in 1 Kings 18:21 states “And Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? If the LORD be God, follow him: but if Baal, then follow him. And the people answered him not a word.” I was of two opinions. I wanted to be the same inside as I was outside, but the desire to live without restraint was appealing as well. When faced with a choice, I chose what would please me in the moment and devastate me in the future.

I placed my relationship with God on the inside, hidden away, and followed the path of the wicked.(2 Kings 17:33,41) I had a fear of the Lord which was not quite real to me. In the naivete of youth, I believed I could escape the consequences of my sins through His forgiveness. It doesn’t work that way! There is always a price to pay. Zephaniah 1:4-6 tells us how intensely God detests us being double minded or lukewarm. He left me to reap the harvest of all I had sown.

My heart was divided and I lost all that I held dear. (Hosea 10:2) God found me faulty and took action. It isn’t as if I had no idea of what could happen or that I was living dangerously. Luke 16:13 and 1 Corinthians 10:21 both express that we cannot serve two masters. We end up hating one and loving the other. Too often, we end up a slave to the one we hate.

We are told to avoid being double minded. We are given examples of those who are, and of what can happen. Fortunately, God also tells us how to avoid or alleviate the double mindedness. James 4:8 says to purify our hearts. We can confess and be cleansed according to 1 John 1:9. We must heed the Scripture (Psalm 119:9-11). We must make it a part of us. We can ask God to write it on our hearts (Psalm 86:11).

After we have drawn closer to God and become stable, we can know the truth and avoid confusion. Please do not follow the path I selected. Young people, listen to the voice of experience. Avoid causing and feeling the pain I have caused, and the prison in which I have lived. Develop a single-minded lifestyle of dwelling ‘in Christ’. I ache for those in the church who face the same temptations that I did as a youth. Remember, you have a choice. If you are facing something with which you find overwhelming, ask your pastor or some other Godly person who you respect. The shame you feel confessing an inner struggle is far less than that I felt confessing the behavior to which my thoughts led. Live ‘in Christ’ and avoid instability where uncertainty is the only sure thing.