MORE than a Leopard

Our self-image is basically how we see ourselves, and what is contained in our core inner beliefs. This inner self-image is formed through life experiences, our value systems, etc., and in some ways is a kind of passive inner faculty itself.

The significance of the inner mechanism is that it works to enforce, or outwork, whatever it sees in the self-image. If we have behavior that is contrary, it actually works to correct that, to drive our behavior back towards whatever the self-image contains. So if my self-image is one of shyness, the mechanism reacts against me trying to be too self-confident and steers me back towards being shy. If my self-image is one of being a high achiever, the mechanism reacts against me being sloppy or half-hearted, and motivates me to push harder. Literally, whatever is in that self-image is what this mechanism works to enforce.

If my self-image is healthy, the system automatically works in me to guide me in a way that matches that, and things go well. But if I have a poor or damaged self-image for some reason, the mechanism can do nothing else but guide my life from that position. In this way, I can find myself stuck in a rut, or life pattern, that is hard to break. In many ways, the inner servo-mechanism seems to embrace a similar role to an auto-pilot system on a plane or vehicle. For simplicity, from this point, I will simply call this inner servo-mechanism our auto-pilot system, or APS. I will be referencing the APS a lot through this book. That is because discovering it, and finding out how it works, has been a huge part of my journey into freedom and greater inner health.

The APS is entirely subconscious. We are not aware of it working. The self-image it targets is also entirely subconscious, so we don’t know what the APS is trying to comply with. We operate in the conscious realm. Our thoughts, feelings, choices, our five physical senses, are all in our awareness. They are conscious. For years, all of my pursuits towards growth or wholeness were entirely in the conscious realm. I didn’t know there was such a tangible thing in the subconscious as a self-image and an auto-pilot system.

So here is an important question I had to ask myself: What if my self-image is different from my conscious focus? What if the APS is working contrary to my conscious faculties? That variance will unavoidably lead to inner conflict, and that had been my story. I had never understood that this was happening. The more I tried harder consciously, set specific goals, or resolved to improve myself in some way, the greater the conflict became. Because my working harder was in the conscious realm, and I wasn’t doing anything to change the inner self-image to align with that. So the APS was pushing me towards fulfilling something different from what I was trying to achieve consciously. What a discovery this was.

I am a person of faith, and one thing I picked up in my pursuit of spiritual things was an all-too-common awareness of falling short. Some sectors of the religious community are quick to tell us that we are all sinners, unworthy, undeserving. If I agree with that and own it as an inner belief, my self-image becomes shaped like that. That’s who I am. Do you know what that means? It means the APS is actively operating to keep my behavior and life experience in line with falling short. And yet in my conscious mind, choices, and desires, I am trying to be that good man. What inner conflict. What frustration.

Going beyond the general or religious, each of us is impacted by things we hear about ourselves (especially in formative years) and also things that happened to us. Perhaps you were told you’d never achieve anything great. Or you experienced something embarrassing or humiliating. Or latched on to something as true when it wasn’t, so you believe a lie. Perhaps you have a poor profile on social media that makes you feel inferior. Our self-image is being shaped and formed constantly by everything around us and by our internal responses to our experiences.

I once heard of someone who was asked to say a few words publicly, but they froze up, blushed, and felt a failure. It seems like an inner belief or image was established right then in their self-image, where they were quietly determined that such an experience would never happen to them again. Talking in public became difficult, and any excuse possible was used to avoid having to. Years later, when the need arose to speak in a meeting at work, even though they didn’t consciously recall that bad experience from before, their APS worked against them, with a protective objective, making them unable to fulfil well what they needed to do.

Of course, our APS isn’t supposed to make things go badly for us. Rather, it is there to help us fulfil our abilities, our dreams, and our desires. Maybe to compose music, write code, run a successful business, or be a great mom, dad, or friend. But if our self-image within is not consistent with doing well in those ways, or our inner beliefs are contrary, our APS will steer us in a way that hinders rather than fulfils those desires.

For years, I had no idea this was happening within me. Having discovered it, I wondered, could this be an explanation for my bursts of progress instigated by my conscious efforts, followed by some relapse or slipping back? Perhaps it could explain my complete inability to even access important parts of me? It left me with a burning question: What was the condition of my self-image? How had my experiences shaped it, and what was the target my APS was set to hit? And maybe a bigger question was, is there any way I can change that target? How can I access and change my self-image?