The Responsive Marriage

The Responsive Marriage Preview Text

Throughout this book, we will be probing two different forms of message exchanges between companions in an intimate relationship—those that are responsive and those that are reactive. Much of my work in counseling involves helping couples to analyze their communication and interaction patterns to identify the productive, and unproductive, ways they convey messages to each other.

Human interactions are a series of “send and reply” messages similar to an exchange of emails. Unlike emails though, in face-to-face interactions one “messages” the other using a mixture of words, tone, voice volume, pace, facial expressions, and body gestures—sifted through various personal perception filters accumulated throughout their lifetime—forming a complex array of output sent to the receiver. The receiver absorbs, digests, and interprets the messages as input, forms conclusions, and then replies to the message—either verbally, non-verbally, or both—sifting their reciprocation through their own, independently constructed, personal perception filters. It is these “send and reply” messages that we will define as either responsive or reactive.

Responsive messages are thoughtful, deliberate, and controlled expressions while reactive messages are involuntary, mostly unconscious, and usually unregulated. These messages originate from different sections of the brain. We will explore this in more detail later in this chapter. Suffice it to say for now that responsive messages emerge from the thinking part of the brain while reactive messages emanate from the feeling part of the brain. In the relationship arena, responsive messages are desirable while reactive messages are undesirable.

Reactive messages are those occurring because of the over-functioning or under-functioning of one’s temperament. A responsive marriage, then, is one in which both parties are endeavoring to increase their responsiveness and reduce or eliminate their reactivity with each other. Doing so creates and expands intimacy.

What does a responsive message look like and how does it differ from a reactive one?

Because a responsive message is deliberate and thoughtful, it would tend to have a focus on promoting the interests of both parties rather than just the individual. It would be regulated rather than uncontrolled and would tend to draw the other person closer. A reactive message would tend to create distance between the two causing the receiver to withdraw either physically, emotionally, or both. In short, responsive messages are magnetic while reactive messages are repelling.

The Bible contains many wise and relevant principles for developing and sustaining healthy relationships and marriages. In fact, many of the characteristics of thriving relationships enumerated by mental health science can be found in the pages of Scripture. In my counseling work, I routinely learn of some “new” understanding of relationship dynamics promulgated by recent scientific research that God inspired the writers of the Bible to pen thousands of years before. Researchers today regularly confirm biblical wisdom. One such “confirmation” involves our understanding of responsiveness and reactivity.

James 1:19-20 instructs us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” This is a perfect definition of responsiveness. When we reverse these three directives, it results in the perfect definition for reactivity—slow to listen, quick to speak, and quick to anger. The secular equivalent to this idea is contained in Steven Covey’s seminal leadership book titled The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.[i] Habit five in that book, “seek first to understand, then to be understood,” is responsiveness in a nutshell. Reverse those, seek first to be understood, then to understand, and it mirrors the Bible’s guidance for avoiding reactivity in relationships.

If you polled pastors and mental health practitioners, most would say something like, “If only couples would adhere to the guidance provided by James 1:19–20, their communication conflict would cease and my job would be done.” Oh, if it were only that easy. The problem is that awareness is only part of the equation.

Awareness, of course, is essential. Without awareness, we flounder in our troubles. Hebrews 4:12 tells us God’s word provokes awareness. Its sharpness and precise accuracy can “judge the ideas and thoughts of the heart.” In other words, it makes us aware of tendencies and proclivities that influence the outward manifestations of our heart. However, awareness, by itself, creates little change. We must also initiate the second half of the equation—training. 2 Timothy 3:16 calls it “training in righteousness.” In the counseling field, we call it “behavior modification therapy.” To invoke lasting change, we need both awareness and training: the aim of this book.