Get off the Fence

Having decided to stay in the detoxification program, I walked from the director’s office back to my shed with the defeated feeling that my tail was tucked between my legs. As I walked into the shed, the guy detoxifying from heroin was moaning louder than usual, now after thirty-six hours of being in bed. I went and sat on my bed, and my eyes became fixated on the guy in bed through a narrow hall in front of the bathroom. As I was watching him and feeling so defeated, I picked up my Bible and held it while tears flowed down my face. I simply asked God what was wrong with me. I remember this moment like it was yesterday. As I wiped my eyes, I looked again at the suffering addict, and I heard God say to me, with a clear voice in my spirit, “I do not love you more than I love that guy.” These words were so clear I repeated them to myself, and immediately the words of the Lord penetrated my spirit. I became very alert and understood clearly God’s two-part meaning in these words: God was showing me how powerful, authentic, and genuine His love is; and I was humbled to understand the true equality of His love. I was not better than anyone. I stood up and felt the same sensation as when I told my dad I was drunk, but with more intensity. All my life, I have talked about and sung about God’s love and grace, but for the first time, I was understanding and experiencing the depth of His love and grace. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was being cleansed and released from the bondage of all the shame, pride, and selfishness that I had carried for so long. The moment of true surrender The moment I set myself aside and allowed God to fill me and flow through me, He did—and with a gushing abundance. I was gaining the ability to read my emotions and develop a greater spiritual “tuning in” to a deeper level of listening, yielding emotional intelligence. The rest of Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I had a genuine peace in my soul. I felt so different, and it was because I was depending on Him and not myself. I naturally stopped people and prayed with them, led a man in the sinner’s prayer, and reached out to anyone who would talk with me. On Tuesday morning, I had been ready to do anything to leave this place, and on Friday morning I felt I could stay there for months. Typically, when a person left this program, the others would find out only the next day that they had gone. When Ralph came to pick me up on Friday morning, people were waiting at the gate as I left to wish me well, talk with me one more time, and say thank you to me. It was not me but the Jesus they saw in me that they were gravitating toward. If you feel like you are at rock bottom, one of the most important perspectives to keep is that God did not put you there. So many times, people blame God for allowing them to suffer from their own poor choices. In my situation, I was grateful because I could have died as a result of my poor decisions, but God protected me. I know from experience—the experience of sitting in a detoxification facility with dozens of people coming off heroin, some escaping to get a fix, others having taken their own lives in this same place, and others miserably trying to heal—that God will meet us in our lowest places. All we must do is realize He is present and receive Him. Salvation or any other promise of God is not based on any performance efforts but only one prerequisite: we must ask and receive. On that Tuesday morning, I was determined to “sell” my way out of the detox center, and in my own strength I was prepared, but I was determined only because I wanted to escape my misery, weakness, and emptiness. The apostle Paul once was complaining about a thorn in his side and how he felt weakened by this affliction. He had asked three times for it to be removed. In 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV), Jesus answers Paul: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Once I allowed God to meet me where I was, I had never felt such true strength. I can’t articulate the feeling of God’s love, grace, and strength running through my veins. At this moment, His strength was my only power, but the most incredible power I have ever experienced. This power still runs through me today because I allow it, and this same power is available to everyone who receives it.