Toward Light

Bo started walking toward us. He was smiling warmly at me. My entire being started to react to his presence. I wanted to run away and run toward him all at the same time. Like a good southern girl, a smile came to my face as he got closer. My heart beat incredibly fast. I knew my cheeks were getting rosy. Luckily, Shay got to him first, shook his hand, and started talking. I was trying to not overthink how to greet him. How do I say hello to someone I haven’t spoken to or seen in three years? I found myself in a side hug with him. It felt safe but a little awkward. We separated and looked at each other. I was trying to remind myself to be calm. Inside, I was full of questions. Why is he here at my church? How has he been doing the last three years? Does he ever think about me? It felt like his brown eyes were looking straight through me. “It looks like I came on the perfect Sunday to hear you sing,” he said with that East Texas drawl that was more charming than it should be. We were smiling at each other, and I didn’t know how to respond. I shrugged a little, unsure of what to say or how to say it. “It felt really good to get back onstage.” “Your voice is amazing. It is mind-blowing that such a small person can have such a big voice.” He smiled at me. “Well,” I said playfully, “if you stick around, you can hear it again at the 11:00 a.m. service.” That was a silly thing to say. I was not good at playing it cool. I never had been. “I might do that!” he said. I looked at Shay, and she was looking a little confused at our banter. I felt more confused than she looked. Shay knew Bo because he had renovated an old downtown icehouse into a beautiful law office for her husband—the same law office where her husband had an affair with his secretary. It made me nauseous for Shay just thinking about it. But I was in no position to judge her husband or the secretary. Having Bo in my life had started so innocently. I was outside in my front yard playing with my kids and our new puppy. And Bo was across the street, helping my neighbors—his great aunt and uncle—redo their kitchen and bathrooms. My mind was reeling from seeing and talking to him and remembering how he left. I just stared at him without being able to think of anything to say. Just then Tea ran up to me. “Mom, come sit with us. Oh, hi, Ms. Shay. “Hi sweetheart,” I said. “I was on my way. Do you remember Bo? He used to work on our street. You were eight years old, so you may not.” Tea looked at Bo and smiled. “Hi, Bo. I do remember you. Didn’t you move to Florida?” Bo laughed and commented on her excellent memory. “Thank you for making an old guy feel memorable.” Old? Ha. I’m older than him by a few years if I remember correctly. I didn’t see a wedding band, so I guessed he was still single. I never could understand why. He was five feet ten inches and definitely worked out. I was pretty certain that he was a self-made millionaire and super smart. He loved God. He had kind brown eyes, short blond hair, and a tan. I needed to stop taking inventory. Tea grabbed my hand and smiled at me. “Come on, Mom. Bye, Ms. Shay and Mr. Bo.” My head was swimming, and my heart still wanted to be standing next to him. I looked back as Tea dragged me away. I caught his eye, and he smiled. As I sat in between Luke and Tea, I could barely pay attention to the sermon. I had gotten out my journal where I write down notes for the sermon and just stared at it. My stomach was in knots. What in the world just happened?