Hidden Hindrances

Chapter 1 Being a Mom “Anything is possible when you allow God to guide you through the tunnel. He helps you through it peacefully with the confidence that He who designed you will guide you throughout the process”, Nina Myers, pg. 128 “Beautiful One” edited by Shae Cooke. Being a mom can feel like the hardest thing in the world and it has the ability to turn you into someone you do not want to be. Being a mom is so much more than the right foods, the right shots, the right school, the right clothes, the right friends, the right discipline. Surprisingly, being a mom can require facing the deepest, darkest places in you that you didn’t know were there. The memories, the feelings, the remembering come at the most inopportune times. It did for me. I grew up in a Christian home and made a decision early on to follow Jesus and promised to follow Him wherever he would lead. I had struggles, made choices that brought separation and hurt in relationships. My learned pattern of dealing with stressful situations or what felt overwhelming was to check out physically or emotionally. This sometimes looked like long walks alone or withdrawing into myself. I will share a little more of my childhood experience to clarify this, but first I want to start with the situation that marked me and was foundational in what I am sharing here. These are the circumstances that pushed me to look deeper below the surface and to begin a journey of self-awareness and personal growth. After my first daughter was born, I began to realize there were many more layers to being whole, to living free in Christ, and to living surrendered to the leading of the Holy Spirit, especially as a Mom. After my second daughter was born, I was no longer able to navigate through my usual ways of avoidance and withdraw, shutting down my emotions and withholding my voice. I remember clearly sitting on the couch nursing my newborn while my 18-month-old was pulling at my arm. Anger bubbled up that I was not prepared for. My husband worked long hours and I had a part-time job. The moments where I was alone were hard to navigate. That one moment turned into many moments of anger towards my 18-month-old, distance from my husband, and determination to do it all on my own. At that time my husband and I made a decision to seek the Lord on meaningful work that we could do together. He was feeling pressed to be present and part of our daily lives. This led us to accepting a position as house parents and moving into a home for teen moms. I moved from privately parenting to living life on display. This led to the breaking point that forced me to stop and admit I was not ok. I will never forget this moment of anger with my now 23-month-old crying and upset, my 9-month-old still needing assistance, and a group of board members waiting downstairs. My husband was nowhere in sight. I closed the door, yelling at my older daughter to stop crying and when she would not, I opened the door hard—not realizing she was clinging to the handle. The movement hit her into the wall. I felt the crush of “What have you done?” Instantly it seemed my husband came up the steps and all I could do was sit in stunned silence at the revelation that what I experienced on the inside was an anger and need for control capable of doing great harm. That moment everything changed. I could no longer avoid the ugly, painful “unseen obstacle” I was experiencing to mothering. I desired to be free of anger, free of resentment, free of frustration. I desired to build connection and relationship with my children and pass on something different. I had to face that, without help, I was capable of abuse and neglect, and the only thing that would change that was a decision to no longer try and do it on my own strength. The Lord was beginning to gently uncover the generational patterns, tendency towards abuse, outbursts of anger, rejections, isolation; the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional all bound up under the surface. I was not getting it right.