Tablets of My Heart

Trust was a lesson in my life. I had to learn to trust God, to keep the faith and to know that God was in control of every situation and outcome in my life.
My faith teaches me to honor my husband, to be bound to my husband, to be subject to my husband. That should have been easy for me. I married my childhood sweetheart.
A Bible verse kept me focused and gave me strength and hope in the Lord:
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14 Kjv).
“Press” for me personally meant prayer, fasting and reading my Bible. I saw the phrase “toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God . . .” as keeping me focused, giving me hope and peace for the many Whys I faced that were past my understanding. “Press” also reminded me of standing for hours pressing Tony’s shirts, sometimes fourteen to twenty-one every week, until every wrinkle was removed knowing that I would be repeating the process again and again. Press on, Mary, press on. I saw the phrase, “. . . toward the mark for the prize . . .” describing the athlete who doesn’t look back, but aims for the finish line.





Mathew 6:16 Kjv reads:
Moreover, when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, they have their reward.
“. . . and when you fast . . .” means to me that fasting is needful and helpful. The verse is located right after the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew. Fasting connected me to God and disconnected me from my worries and grief and protected my spiritual life by causing me to fully depend on God.

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Then our lives changed. I was faced with devastating news. My husband, the father of our children, was a pedophile. In fact, he eventually was declared the FBI’s most notorious pedophile in 1988. The separation that ended in a divorce left me with a challenge to my faith. My marriage to Tony ended in a divorce after nine years. I learned my child-prodigy, prophet, evangelist husband was molesting boys while holding revival services all over the country. When I had confronted him, he not only denied it but said, “You are touching God’s anointed,” clearly prohibited by Scripture. I faced the trial of my life. I felt devastated. I had perceived trying to save my marriage as the greatest task in my
life. The pain of divorce left me broken.
My Bible reading, prayer life and fasting were the very tools that gave me the freedom to press on and forgive for the sake of my children. “Amazing Grace” was seeing them remain consistent to their faith as they grew older. They treated their father with honor and compassion when they became aware of the truth. They chose not to bury the tragic news and replace it in their hearts with hate or indifference.

My prayer is for the young boys, now grown men, whose lives were taken from them. “God, in Your mercy, have mercy. Help them see themselves as Your children, knowing that You love them, that You are holding them in kindness and compassion, that You understand that the pain they endured makes life hard. Such pain can only be understood by You. When all they might want to say is, ‘The abuser stole my heart as a child—let them know life is a journey and not a test they could fail. Not a test that You will condemn them for. I ask You in the name of Jesus our redeemer for redemption and restoration for each of these lives. In the name of Jesus.”

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This book comes from my heart. It is my story of brokenness mended with forgiveness. Here are my words to all readers who may or may not have a relationship with my wonderful God.
I hope that love, peace, hope, forgiveness and restoration will reach to the deepest parts of the reader’s heart, perhaps going deep into the places of longing. I hope to encourage and remind every reader that he or she is God’s child. He promised to never leave or forsake his children.